Restoration

(NIV) Joel 2:25 " I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten..."  So it is in this that I rest my hope.  It is hope that that, yes I will recover, and hope that I will recover and see the good that has been clouded my the Eating Disorder through the years.  My hope is not only in this restoration of good memories lost, but they will cease to devour my remaining days, weeks, months and years.

Even the days of recovery are somehow still shrouded in, at the very least, a thin veil of the the eating disorder.  Can I really remember a time when my days weren't directed by how I felt about my body, when I was going to exercise, or what I was going to eat? I know that I had those days. Although the eating disorder was managed; it was always there.  And here is the reality, my reality, it will always be there, and that makes me scared, sad and overwhelmed.  Some days I am better at ignoring its call.  Other days I answer the call and acknowledge it presence.  Hell, I even let it in the door.

SO, maybe the valley I am walking through right now isn't a bad thing.  It is simply realizing that the demon has been hiding in the room the whole time.  Now it has made it presence  known.  I know where it hides.  Now that I see and acknowledged it,  can usher it out the door?  I am tired of the space it is taking up in my room? I am letting it take up more and more space while I apparently continue to take up less and less.  I say apparently because it isn't until God uses me in my weakest state to serve him that my eyes are opened.