Romans 5:8 " But God demonstrates his own great love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
The second question that I continue to wrestle with is " God what in the world do you want from me? What can I do to end this suffering?" Basically I am asking " God what can I do to earn your favor and have you heal me?" So there it is in His word in black and white. " Nothing " He doesn't want anything from me other than to love him, and most importantly, let him love me just as I am.
So often I come to my father with the painful memories etched in my mind of coming to my mother. I see him as disappointed in me. Waiting for me to screw up so that he can punish me again and again and again. I forget that unlike my mother God is slow to anger. Psalm 86:15 " But you, Lord are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." ( NIV ) I see myself crying out to him as I silently cried out to my mother " Please mom, I tried to do it right and you are still angry. Just tell me what to do and I will do it. Just stop hurting me. Am I really that bad? I want to please you, really I do, but I keep falling short, and the bar keeps moving. Mom can't you see I am just a little girl trying to earn your love. Oh, what have I done to anger you so?"
This is how I often approach God my father. I fall to my knees in anguish crying out " God I can't do this anymore. Tell me, tell me what you want from me. I will do anything to make this pain subside if you can just tell me what to do." I even beg him to take me home as I am out of strength and my faith is fading. I become the same scared depleted little girl that cowered in my mother's presence; working and striving everyday to figure her out or at least avoid her wrath. If I can just figure out the rules, then not only will I avoid the verbal and physical bashing, but maybe, just maybe, she will also love me.
God, my father reminds me with his word that it isn't by my works or effort that he loves me. He knows I am imperfect and that I love him. That is all he asks of me....To Love him and trust him.
I was bought at a price on the cross. He loved me enough to die for me. My intellect knows this, but my heart and soul often shies away from his great love out of fear. My view of love is tarnished. For me love means a lot of work for little, if any gain, but a lot of pain. Today I focus on his great love. Ephesians 2:4-5 " But because of his great love for us, God who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you (I) have been saved. So, there it is again. He loves me and today his grace is sufficient.
