Philippians 1:25 "Knowing this, I am convinced that I will remain alive so I can continue to help all of you grow and experience the joy of your faith"(NLT)
I sometimes, like Moses, wonder how God can possibly use me to help others grow and develop their faith. I am so far from holy and righteous, and just weeks ago death, once again, seemed like a better option than facing the eating disorder, and the other ways my body was letting me down. I have decided that I will NOT let this eating disorder win. God is with me and I am beginning to put my faith in the fact that he has a purpose for me that is far beyond my comprehension. I will continue to run to him for strength when I feel like I can't face one more day. This in turn strengthens my faith. He knows just where I am broken, why he has allowed it, and how to put me back together again so that he can use me. I don't need to be perfect, just willing to follow his lead.
It is not easy to remain hopeful and faithful. Today I woke up with my nerve throbbing, but it has finally settled down to tolerable. I have stopped asking why, and am now asking why not? I have stopped asking the same about the middle aged relapse into the eating disorder as well. It is futile. It just makes me feel crazy, and I am slowly coming to realize that I am not crazy, but human. Everyone has their own "crazy" they deal with so that, if willing, God can use for others going through the same "crazy". Don't be deceived, it isn't easy, and at times the realization that I may always carry parts of my "crazy" with me seems daunting. I just want to be well so badly, but the habits of the eating disorder linger like the Axe, my pre-pubescent nephews have discovered. It isn't necessarily a bad fragrance, but one that can be overpowering and sometimes lingers longer than it should.
I have tried, as best as I know how, to eat normally and act like someone who doesn't have an eating disorder. I realize that I am not even sure what "normal" means. There are times that my therapist say "I am pleased that you are normalizing your food." I really don't even understand what she means by this, and I am not sure that even the best therapist (mine is pretty darn good) understands that food will never be normal for someone that has or has had an eating disorder unless they have been there. I don't know that food and eating will ever be "normal" for me, and that may have to be okay. I will probably always have this internal barometer telling me what food is okay and what isn't; what is too much; what is tolerable, and what is not. My brain has been trained for so long to question food decisions, rely on exercising, scrutinize my body, I do it without much conscious thought. My brain just accepts it as normal behavior.
I have tried in the midst of my other physical afflictions to eat as I assume "normal" people eat. Sometimes that means eating even when I don't "feel" hungry because it is rare that I truly feel my physical hunger from my belly. I have learned to pay attention to other cues my body is sending me. I get light headed, cranky, unfocused, shaky, and anxious long before my belly calls for nourishment. I have to me hyper vigilant to my physical sensations just like I once was hyper vigilant to my mother's wants and needs. Here is the cool part, I can take care of my wants and needs, where as I could never meet her needs as much as I tried. With her, I have just stopped trying, but I am worth the effort, so I press on.
Nourish verses eating makes more sense to me. I am worth nourishing. Maybe because I was never emotionally nourished, it was easy for me to forgo go physical nourishment as well? I was, after all used to feeling so very empty.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Confident
Psalm 27:3-6 "Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked I will remain confident"
I meditate on this scripture today as I am still fighting so many battles, the eating disorder, the nerve damage, and now I have a large sty on my eyelid that may need surgery. See, I am telling you, I never seem to get a break and it leaves me tired and exhausted body, mind and spirit. Add twelve people and five dogs to the mix in my small summer cottage and my anxiety level sores like the seagulls outside my window. So, I do what I know best to cope and purge the last three days. I justify that it isn't everything I take in, but just enough to feel some control, a release. I have at least decreased the volume of each purge each night, and last night though I try to purge, I physically can't bring it up. I also try to not beat myself up for slipping and try to remain confident not just in who God says I am, but in who He says he is. I believe He Is my healer. This is merely a small uprising of the eating disorder and I am confident that he will guide me through to eventual victory, and heal all my afflictions. I just need to remember to take my anxiety to the throne of my Jesus and not to the porcelain throne.
I also try to remember that recovery is a process that I not only can't do perfectly, I don't have to do it perfectly. I just need to start each day with a breath of knowledge that I am ok here in this moment and not alone. I hear His voice like a gentle whisper "you have me Liz, you don't need the eating disorder. Put your confidence in me. Trust me with all your fears. The eating disorder isn't your friend." Of course he is right. For weeks I was doing well and even in the midst of the nerve pain because I turned to him and not the eating disorder, and felt a sense of peace about everything. I purge and the guilt and shame begin to consume me like the food I have taken in, except I purge the little I have consumed while the guilt and shame binge on me. "Breath, surrender this moment of guilt and shame to me. I forgive you, now forgive yourself" He whispers again and I inhale the fragrance of hope in his word.
I change my focus away from my recent failures and focus on my recent success realizing that really, looking at the big picture, I have more good days accrued than bad. Philippians 3:12,16 (NLT) speaks to not just those of us in recovery, but all of us because we are all works in progress. Philippians 3:12" I don't mean to say that I have achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus possessed for me. Philippians 3:16"But we must hold onto the progress we have already made." I think this is universal to all of who struggle with eating disorders, addictions, trauma, or abuse. Actually, it is universal to all people because we are all human. We slip, we trip, and sometimes we may even fall all the way down on our asses, and it gets easy to beat ourselves up and believe we are failing. The problem is that we forget to remember that we have progressed because we focus on the fall. What if we focused on how high we have already climbed, then we would see that even though we have fallen we are still closer to the summit than the base. Oh, and one more thought, since we are all capable of falling, shouldn't we all stretch out our hands to lift each other up? Thessalonians 5:14 (NLT) "Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone."
I meditate on this scripture today as I am still fighting so many battles, the eating disorder, the nerve damage, and now I have a large sty on my eyelid that may need surgery. See, I am telling you, I never seem to get a break and it leaves me tired and exhausted body, mind and spirit. Add twelve people and five dogs to the mix in my small summer cottage and my anxiety level sores like the seagulls outside my window. So, I do what I know best to cope and purge the last three days. I justify that it isn't everything I take in, but just enough to feel some control, a release. I have at least decreased the volume of each purge each night, and last night though I try to purge, I physically can't bring it up. I also try to not beat myself up for slipping and try to remain confident not just in who God says I am, but in who He says he is. I believe He Is my healer. This is merely a small uprising of the eating disorder and I am confident that he will guide me through to eventual victory, and heal all my afflictions. I just need to remember to take my anxiety to the throne of my Jesus and not to the porcelain throne.
I also try to remember that recovery is a process that I not only can't do perfectly, I don't have to do it perfectly. I just need to start each day with a breath of knowledge that I am ok here in this moment and not alone. I hear His voice like a gentle whisper "you have me Liz, you don't need the eating disorder. Put your confidence in me. Trust me with all your fears. The eating disorder isn't your friend." Of course he is right. For weeks I was doing well and even in the midst of the nerve pain because I turned to him and not the eating disorder, and felt a sense of peace about everything. I purge and the guilt and shame begin to consume me like the food I have taken in, except I purge the little I have consumed while the guilt and shame binge on me. "Breath, surrender this moment of guilt and shame to me. I forgive you, now forgive yourself" He whispers again and I inhale the fragrance of hope in his word.
I change my focus away from my recent failures and focus on my recent success realizing that really, looking at the big picture, I have more good days accrued than bad. Philippians 3:12,16 (NLT) speaks to not just those of us in recovery, but all of us because we are all works in progress. Philippians 3:12" I don't mean to say that I have achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus possessed for me. Philippians 3:16"But we must hold onto the progress we have already made." I think this is universal to all of who struggle with eating disorders, addictions, trauma, or abuse. Actually, it is universal to all people because we are all human. We slip, we trip, and sometimes we may even fall all the way down on our asses, and it gets easy to beat ourselves up and believe we are failing. The problem is that we forget to remember that we have progressed because we focus on the fall. What if we focused on how high we have already climbed, then we would see that even though we have fallen we are still closer to the summit than the base. Oh, and one more thought, since we are all capable of falling, shouldn't we all stretch out our hands to lift each other up? Thessalonians 5:14 (NLT) "Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone."
Monday, July 14, 2014
Gentle
Gentle
Ephesians 4:2 "Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other's faults because of your love" (NLT)
I checked out my face book this morning and my sister had posted a picture of a delightful young woman with a before and after picture of her posted. To my surprise it was not of weight lost, but weight gained. The first was of her starving anorexic self, the second of her curvy recovered self. I found myself scrolling obsessively through numerous other pictures of young women and a few older women like myself, posts of their eating disordered bodies and their recovered bodies. At first I found myself wondering how I measured up compared to these other eating disordered women. Was I thin enough to have been considered sick? Am I heavy enough to be considered well? Then I was struck by the varying degree of thinness the equated sick versus well for each woman. Frankly some that seemed to be fairly normal sized in their illness, were the sickest, starving their naturally curvy bodies just to try to achieve even something close to our warped cultural ideal body. Then their were the others that, like myself, who wore the scars of the eating disorder for all to see. Finally there are those that don't even have the pictures to post because they are suffering behind the bathroom door, puking up all they have taken in, or those hiding behind the protective layers of fat that cause others to be repulsed.
While our cultural obsession may feed the eating disorders or fan their flames, it is really something deeper within us that really feeds the eating disorder. It is the way we cope with hurts, loss, trauma, and our desire to be seen as we fade away, or hide our shame behind closed bathroom doors, or those layers of fat. It is our "no", and distorted means of controlling what we can't control, but just like the swirling of the vomit in the toilet bowl, or the swirling of our undernourished bodies as we try to stand, the shame we try to flush away or starve continues to swirl and swirl and unlike the waters that go still in the toilet bowl or the bodies that eventually steady themselves, there is no stillness in the soul for those of us stuck in the vortex.
Dare I say that I am one of the lucky ones? Although I am now at a much healthier weight, I wore my eating disorder for all to see actually revealing my truth. Maybe that isn't so bad after all. I am exposed as someone who has been hurt and wounded along this journey we call life. The only difference between me and the rest of the world is that you can see from my outside how much I am hurting on the inside. Maybe this reminds you to be gentle with me, but how wonderful would it be if we were all gentle with each other, recognizing that we all carry wounds that are hidden? Some of these wounds lie just beneath the surface of our facades, easily splayed open, while others are buried deep in the soil of our souls where enough digging can cause them to erupt like undiscovered wells. Sadly, some the most painful wounds come from those who are closest to us, and they are the ones that can rip them open repeatedly, yet the one who loves me, and you, above all yearns to heal all my wounds and even FEED me. Isaiah 40:11 "He will feed his flock like a shepherd, He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young" (NLT). He loves each of us enough to nourish us, and hold us close to his heart. So, even if for a moment I rest in His arms.
Ephesians 4:2 "Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other's faults because of your love" (NLT)
I checked out my face book this morning and my sister had posted a picture of a delightful young woman with a before and after picture of her posted. To my surprise it was not of weight lost, but weight gained. The first was of her starving anorexic self, the second of her curvy recovered self. I found myself scrolling obsessively through numerous other pictures of young women and a few older women like myself, posts of their eating disordered bodies and their recovered bodies. At first I found myself wondering how I measured up compared to these other eating disordered women. Was I thin enough to have been considered sick? Am I heavy enough to be considered well? Then I was struck by the varying degree of thinness the equated sick versus well for each woman. Frankly some that seemed to be fairly normal sized in their illness, were the sickest, starving their naturally curvy bodies just to try to achieve even something close to our warped cultural ideal body. Then their were the others that, like myself, who wore the scars of the eating disorder for all to see. Finally there are those that don't even have the pictures to post because they are suffering behind the bathroom door, puking up all they have taken in, or those hiding behind the protective layers of fat that cause others to be repulsed.
While our cultural obsession may feed the eating disorders or fan their flames, it is really something deeper within us that really feeds the eating disorder. It is the way we cope with hurts, loss, trauma, and our desire to be seen as we fade away, or hide our shame behind closed bathroom doors, or those layers of fat. It is our "no", and distorted means of controlling what we can't control, but just like the swirling of the vomit in the toilet bowl, or the swirling of our undernourished bodies as we try to stand, the shame we try to flush away or starve continues to swirl and swirl and unlike the waters that go still in the toilet bowl or the bodies that eventually steady themselves, there is no stillness in the soul for those of us stuck in the vortex.
Dare I say that I am one of the lucky ones? Although I am now at a much healthier weight, I wore my eating disorder for all to see actually revealing my truth. Maybe that isn't so bad after all. I am exposed as someone who has been hurt and wounded along this journey we call life. The only difference between me and the rest of the world is that you can see from my outside how much I am hurting on the inside. Maybe this reminds you to be gentle with me, but how wonderful would it be if we were all gentle with each other, recognizing that we all carry wounds that are hidden? Some of these wounds lie just beneath the surface of our facades, easily splayed open, while others are buried deep in the soil of our souls where enough digging can cause them to erupt like undiscovered wells. Sadly, some the most painful wounds come from those who are closest to us, and they are the ones that can rip them open repeatedly, yet the one who loves me, and you, above all yearns to heal all my wounds and even FEED me. Isaiah 40:11 "He will feed his flock like a shepherd, He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young" (NLT). He loves each of us enough to nourish us, and hold us close to his heart. So, even if for a moment I rest in His arms.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Double Portion
Isaiah 61:7 ( NIV ) "Instead of shame you will receive a double portion,
And instead of disgrace
You will rejoice in your inheritance
And so you will inherit a double portion
in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours
Hebrews 10:35-38 "So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you. 36 Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.
37 For in just a little while the coming one will come and not delay
38 and my righteous ones will live by faith
But I will take no pleasure in anyone who turns away"
A double portion? I would settle for a single portion, but as I sit and pray I really do feel like God speaks to me and says "but I want to give you a double portion and it will happen in this lifetime and not in heaven when we are all made complete." I have decided that this will be my focus. I will focus on this promise that God has given me, but I still find myself begging for him to reveal to me when it will happen. As I ask for this revelation I realize he has actually answered me already. Hebrews 37 " for in just a little while the coming one will come and not delay" I am struck by how closely this verse reflects the personal word God gave me just prior to experiencing the neuralgia. At the time, I was sure he was speaking of the eating disorder, but now I wonder if it truly my broken heart he was referring to and the neuralgia is just a test to see if I will turn to him or the eating disorder for comfort and control. So, make the conscious decision to hand over the eating disorder. This time instead of releasing it one finger at a time, I visualize myself walking to the feet of my savior and holding open my hands and placing the eating disorder in his. I let out an audible sigh of relief as he takes it from my hands. I have enough to carry without carrying the eating disorder as well. "will you trust me with this?" He says. And each day I look to him to strengthen me to resist the urge to take it back.
I continue to wait expectantly for God to have mercy on me and either through the doctor in San Francisco or God to supernaturally heal me and spare me from the continued physical pain and discomfort. This child is so tired and ready for her double portion. I sound like a broken record going to God every day begging for healing and telling him that "I can't do this much longer!" I am like the persistent widow in Luke 18:1-8. I will pray and not give up. I take an inventory of my last few weeks and realize that at times I am feeling better, at other times I am not so sure. I take hope in the fact that I am not feeling worse. My Pastor continues to reassure me that the holy spirit continues to give him the sense that I will be healed. I finally am getting the sense that I will, but don't know when. I am not sure if I have the patience to persevere and endure until that day comes. I am emotionally exhausted in addition to physically. I just want to sleep.........forever, but I have a life I would like to live. I press on in hopes of receiving my everlasting joy.
It is difficult for people to understand just how much pain and discomfort I am in when I look fine on the outside and even function normally outside the safety of my four walls. It is behind my closed doors that I crumble. I find that this causes me to pause and consider that I may not be the only person that is crumbling from the inside out where no one can see it. I have learned to be more compassionate, empathetic and less quick to judge. I have learned to discern the difference between compassion and pity. I need what all people need at times in their lives, compassion, not pity. I am hurt, and wounded, but I am not pitiful. I have learned to listen when I REALLY want to give my opinion on what is wrong and how to fix it. Romans 12:15 reminds me "Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep"(NLT). That is all I am called to do, nothing more, nothing less.
Everybody wants to "fix" me or give me there opinion on why I am in such a deeply carved valley in my life. Because I am not comfortable talking about the discomfort I feel people try to fill in the blanks and make a guess at the affliction. I guess I understand this behavior. No one like discomfort be it their own or a loved one's. Here is where I get so pissed off! First of all this is not a result of the eating disorder any more than the arthritis in my hand is from the eating disorder, nor is it a result of me being emotionally weak and unstable. I do believe in a mind body connection for illness, but this is like saying depression caused a broken arm not a trip down the stairs. The suicidal thoughts are a demonstration of just how desperate I am to end the physical pain and discomfort. I also realize that because of the stress even though I have handed the eating disorder back to God, my weight is down and I appear frail. Here is the truth of the matter. I am choosing today at this moment to live.
This means that "I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13 ( NIV ). I am actually pretty fucking strong and amazing to get through each moment, let alone each day of the past four months. I am strong even on the days that I fall apart crying and lashing out at those closest to me as if it were their fault. Lest everyone forget, that for each day I fall apart I manage to put myself back together again and again and again.......That my friends is strength. The weak and frail can't do this time and time again. So, please don't assume that I am weak because I am small. Remember the mustard seed!
I admit that I have no idea how much longer I can remain strong, but I know God does. I also know that right now I am uncomfortable and in pain, but I am ok!
And instead of disgrace
You will rejoice in your inheritance
And so you will inherit a double portion
in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours
Hebrews 10:35-38 "So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you. 36 Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.
37 For in just a little while the coming one will come and not delay
38 and my righteous ones will live by faith
But I will take no pleasure in anyone who turns away"
A double portion? I would settle for a single portion, but as I sit and pray I really do feel like God speaks to me and says "but I want to give you a double portion and it will happen in this lifetime and not in heaven when we are all made complete." I have decided that this will be my focus. I will focus on this promise that God has given me, but I still find myself begging for him to reveal to me when it will happen. As I ask for this revelation I realize he has actually answered me already. Hebrews 37 " for in just a little while the coming one will come and not delay" I am struck by how closely this verse reflects the personal word God gave me just prior to experiencing the neuralgia. At the time, I was sure he was speaking of the eating disorder, but now I wonder if it truly my broken heart he was referring to and the neuralgia is just a test to see if I will turn to him or the eating disorder for comfort and control. So, make the conscious decision to hand over the eating disorder. This time instead of releasing it one finger at a time, I visualize myself walking to the feet of my savior and holding open my hands and placing the eating disorder in his. I let out an audible sigh of relief as he takes it from my hands. I have enough to carry without carrying the eating disorder as well. "will you trust me with this?" He says. And each day I look to him to strengthen me to resist the urge to take it back.
I continue to wait expectantly for God to have mercy on me and either through the doctor in San Francisco or God to supernaturally heal me and spare me from the continued physical pain and discomfort. This child is so tired and ready for her double portion. I sound like a broken record going to God every day begging for healing and telling him that "I can't do this much longer!" I am like the persistent widow in Luke 18:1-8. I will pray and not give up. I take an inventory of my last few weeks and realize that at times I am feeling better, at other times I am not so sure. I take hope in the fact that I am not feeling worse. My Pastor continues to reassure me that the holy spirit continues to give him the sense that I will be healed. I finally am getting the sense that I will, but don't know when. I am not sure if I have the patience to persevere and endure until that day comes. I am emotionally exhausted in addition to physically. I just want to sleep.........forever, but I have a life I would like to live. I press on in hopes of receiving my everlasting joy.
It is difficult for people to understand just how much pain and discomfort I am in when I look fine on the outside and even function normally outside the safety of my four walls. It is behind my closed doors that I crumble. I find that this causes me to pause and consider that I may not be the only person that is crumbling from the inside out where no one can see it. I have learned to be more compassionate, empathetic and less quick to judge. I have learned to discern the difference between compassion and pity. I need what all people need at times in their lives, compassion, not pity. I am hurt, and wounded, but I am not pitiful. I have learned to listen when I REALLY want to give my opinion on what is wrong and how to fix it. Romans 12:15 reminds me "Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep"(NLT). That is all I am called to do, nothing more, nothing less.
Everybody wants to "fix" me or give me there opinion on why I am in such a deeply carved valley in my life. Because I am not comfortable talking about the discomfort I feel people try to fill in the blanks and make a guess at the affliction. I guess I understand this behavior. No one like discomfort be it their own or a loved one's. Here is where I get so pissed off! First of all this is not a result of the eating disorder any more than the arthritis in my hand is from the eating disorder, nor is it a result of me being emotionally weak and unstable. I do believe in a mind body connection for illness, but this is like saying depression caused a broken arm not a trip down the stairs. The suicidal thoughts are a demonstration of just how desperate I am to end the physical pain and discomfort. I also realize that because of the stress even though I have handed the eating disorder back to God, my weight is down and I appear frail. Here is the truth of the matter. I am choosing today at this moment to live.
This means that "I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13 ( NIV ). I am actually pretty fucking strong and amazing to get through each moment, let alone each day of the past four months. I am strong even on the days that I fall apart crying and lashing out at those closest to me as if it were their fault. Lest everyone forget, that for each day I fall apart I manage to put myself back together again and again and again.......That my friends is strength. The weak and frail can't do this time and time again. So, please don't assume that I am weak because I am small. Remember the mustard seed!
I admit that I have no idea how much longer I can remain strong, but I know God does. I also know that right now I am uncomfortable and in pain, but I am ok!
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