Romans 5:1 ( I have been justified ) NIV 1984
" Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ "
Oh how long the past two weeks have been. I should be relaxed and peaceful gazing at his creation. this is northern Michigan, God's country. Yet it has been marred by a well spring of anxiety, pain, and suffering. Some of the pain is physical, but most of it is emotional. The truth is that even the physical pain and suffering originates from my spirit; a spirit that has been broken. So the anxiety presents itself with twitching muscles, and massive headaches.
Where as many with eating disorders are out of touch with their bodies and its physical sensations of hunger, cold, pain, etc., I am hyper-vigillant and aware of by body. I notice every twitch, every rumble of my gut, every heart beat, and every breath I take. This in and of its self is emotionally and physically exhausting. Couple that with my suppression of any physical, or emotional pain that tries to make itself known, I am tired and out of strength. Yet, somehow I manage to eat and keep it in. I just want to surpass that one month marker of not purging. I have done it and this causes me to feel just a twinge of hope and pride.
God has used this time to once again wrestle with my relationship with him and two questions. The first is pretty universal. "Why me?" The second, comes from that little girl inside of me that still sees God as a reflection of my mom. "God, what do you want from me? I will do anything to please you to earn your love. Please oh please, I beg you, just tell me what you want from me!"
I find it somewhat easy to answer the first question. "Why not me." We live in a fallen world. There is illness, accidents, and trials that God allows us all to go through. He never promised us a life without suffering, because it is through suffering that I believe he makes his presence known; that we are brought to our knees to rely on him. Psalm 46:1 (NIV) God is our refuge and strength, an ever- present help in trouble" If only I had turned to him instead of the eating disorder to rescue me from my mother's demands, criticism, and anger. If only I had trusted him to carry the burdens I was never meant to carry, if only I had remembered my body is his temple, if only I had remembered Philippians 4:13 (NLT) "For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength", if only......But, I became fearful and impatient, and turned to myself instead of God; my Jehovah. The name for God that means he is interested in me on a very intimate and personal level, and desires to set me free. Jehovah never tires of picking me up and dusting me off that I amy try again. Just as I never tire of listening to my children and helping them through difficulties, Jehovah never tires of me coming to him and crying Abba (Daddy) this is too big for me. Will you carry it please.
So it is now that I am paying the consequences of my actions? I am a little frustrated that now, after months of eating well and purging only a few times, as opposed to a few times a day, here I am suffering from muscle twitches and headaches, etc. I suppose it is my body telling me it is still stressed. Maybe it is the low weight, the low body fat, or the high activity level? I have hovered around the same weight and body fat for the last 8-10 weeks. There is something that keeps me here, but I honestly don't have to fight very hard to stay here. I keep asking, "What if this is my new normal?'' Yet my nutritionist and therapist continue to warn me that it is just not optimal for my physical or emotional health. So, that is why I press on to do the things that ask of me, not just because I have faith in them, but because I have faith in my Jehovah. The God that I ask to speak through them, to guide their hearts and words for me. The God that I ask to be the third person in the room. If I trust Him, than I have to trust those he has entrusted me to. So, I press even as I wonder what is physiologically based versus what is psychologically based because it really is all from my broken spirit.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Anxiety
Philippians 4:6 " Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."(NIV 84)
1Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" ( NIV 84 )
Psalm 55:22 "Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the the godly to slip and fall" (NLT)
There are times when I find it hard to maintain my faith in all that God has promised. "He will not let the godly slip and fall" So, God you will instead allow me to slip and fight with all the strength I can find just to stay upright. After 2 weeks of watching Olympics coverage, I compare myself to a gymnast on the beam. I am spinning, flipping, and in the end I am standing, bobbling on one leg, while I should be on two. I am Hanging on by the tips of my toes, flailing my arms in the air trying to not fall, and while falling is painful, there is a certain amount of pain the body and mind endures just to hang on. I remember the commentary on one poor girl. "Oh my that was just awful, she didn't even try to hold on. She just gave up!" God must be somewhere in this balancing act with me because truly I feel like that poor young girl. I just want to give up. It would be easier to fall.
I have a lot of anxiety. Some I am aware of and some not so much. It is that anxiety that holds me in the grasp of the Eating Disorder, causes the bizarre Burning Mouth Syndrome ( google it ), and now apparently the twitching of my eye for three weeks. Now for most people this eye thing is just a casual nuisance, for me it is the new thorn in my side. One more thing I have to fight. I wonder if it is ever going away, and how my friends that have experienced it didn't gouge their eyes out? I immediately jump to fear. Fear that I am weak of character, that God is testing me, punishing me, or worst yet, like my parents abandoning me. That somehow peace and contentment is meant for others and not for me. Should I have to always work this hard just to feel normal. And what the fuck is normal anyways. See there I go swearing. Ugh just another sin in my life. Sorry Jesus! Forgive me.
Oh and while I am on sin. I whole heartedly confess that I am a sinner and I need my Savior, but I also need a break. Oh and by a break Lord, I mean some peace and relief, not to be broken. I am already in a place of brokenness. Isn't that where you want me; dependent on you? Take my anxieties because you care for me. As I bring my requests to you in prayer, if you aren't willing to calm this storm, calm me your little girl. I am thankful that I can come to you and grateful that you gave it all for me on the cross. I am thankful for my blessings. Some that are apparent and some that are disguised by struggle and pain. Abba Father ( Amen ).
1Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" ( NIV 84 )
Psalm 55:22 "Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the the godly to slip and fall" (NLT)
There are times when I find it hard to maintain my faith in all that God has promised. "He will not let the godly slip and fall" So, God you will instead allow me to slip and fight with all the strength I can find just to stay upright. After 2 weeks of watching Olympics coverage, I compare myself to a gymnast on the beam. I am spinning, flipping, and in the end I am standing, bobbling on one leg, while I should be on two. I am Hanging on by the tips of my toes, flailing my arms in the air trying to not fall, and while falling is painful, there is a certain amount of pain the body and mind endures just to hang on. I remember the commentary on one poor girl. "Oh my that was just awful, she didn't even try to hold on. She just gave up!" God must be somewhere in this balancing act with me because truly I feel like that poor young girl. I just want to give up. It would be easier to fall.
I have a lot of anxiety. Some I am aware of and some not so much. It is that anxiety that holds me in the grasp of the Eating Disorder, causes the bizarre Burning Mouth Syndrome ( google it ), and now apparently the twitching of my eye for three weeks. Now for most people this eye thing is just a casual nuisance, for me it is the new thorn in my side. One more thing I have to fight. I wonder if it is ever going away, and how my friends that have experienced it didn't gouge their eyes out? I immediately jump to fear. Fear that I am weak of character, that God is testing me, punishing me, or worst yet, like my parents abandoning me. That somehow peace and contentment is meant for others and not for me. Should I have to always work this hard just to feel normal. And what the fuck is normal anyways. See there I go swearing. Ugh just another sin in my life. Sorry Jesus! Forgive me.
Oh and while I am on sin. I whole heartedly confess that I am a sinner and I need my Savior, but I also need a break. Oh and by a break Lord, I mean some peace and relief, not to be broken. I am already in a place of brokenness. Isn't that where you want me; dependent on you? Take my anxieties because you care for me. As I bring my requests to you in prayer, if you aren't willing to calm this storm, calm me your little girl. I am thankful that I can come to you and grateful that you gave it all for me on the cross. I am thankful for my blessings. Some that are apparent and some that are disguised by struggle and pain. Abba Father ( Amen ).
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Battling the Giant
Psalm 27:9 (NLT) "Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes wait patiently for the Lord.
I was asked describe my self in one word at one time and my answer was resilient. ( recovering readily from adversity ). Yet, I no longer feel resilient as I have not recovered readily from the eating disorder that I have allowed to afflict me for the past year. Today, one word to describe me? I am a warrior waiting patiently on the Lord. Like a warrior it takes courage beyond belief to fight the battle. It also takes the full armor of God. Mine is not a battle of slings and arrows, but one of fighting the eating disorder day after day. It is a formidable foe that never ceases to come after me. I am grateful that I have the Lord on my side and it is through his strength that I don't just give up in total surrender to the enemy. It is his armor that protects me from mortal harm.
It is hard to wait and it is hard to be brave. It is also hard for those around me to wait and be patient as I fight this battle. People mean well, but really have no true understanding of just how entrenched, and tangled the eating disorder is in my life. Oh how I wish I could be fixed by, just eating, stop purging, decrease my exercise, get a job to take my mind off it, love myself, like my self, see myself, remember all that is good, be grateful for all my blessings, and the list can go on and on..... I have been there, done that, yet, I am still here in the midst of the battle. I spend each day trying to climb out of the trench and untangle the threads of the eating disorder. It is a tedious process like trying to untie a stubborn knot fine golden chains.
So, I am a warrior waiting patiently on the Lord to lead me through this battle. I often feel like David must have felt like when he faced Goliath with just a stone and a sling shot; scared to death, like God has picked the wrong one to fight this battle because I would just as soon die at the enemies hands some days then face it. I am weak, weary, and the enemy is way to big for me to slay. I believe that God has me right where he wants me; dependent on him. I am just like David. I am seeking God to be the strength I lack. I am trusting that he will lead me through the battle. Although, I am sure God has not called me to the greatness of leading his kingdom, I think he will use me to do great things in his kingdom.
I find hope in the story of David. I call on the Lord to be my strength today as I struggle to be still and rest on this the sabbath. It is hard for me to be still, and even harder to be still and fuel my body. It is a metaphor for my life. I have to earn my food just as I feel like I must earn love, acceptance and nurturing. Today I am like David dependent on the Lord to lead me through the battle. He has faith in me to slay the giant and like David he has chosen me to fight the battle not because I am unworthy,or disposable, but because he loves me. His strength is enough and I am worthy of it!
I was asked describe my self in one word at one time and my answer was resilient. ( recovering readily from adversity ). Yet, I no longer feel resilient as I have not recovered readily from the eating disorder that I have allowed to afflict me for the past year. Today, one word to describe me? I am a warrior waiting patiently on the Lord. Like a warrior it takes courage beyond belief to fight the battle. It also takes the full armor of God. Mine is not a battle of slings and arrows, but one of fighting the eating disorder day after day. It is a formidable foe that never ceases to come after me. I am grateful that I have the Lord on my side and it is through his strength that I don't just give up in total surrender to the enemy. It is his armor that protects me from mortal harm.
It is hard to wait and it is hard to be brave. It is also hard for those around me to wait and be patient as I fight this battle. People mean well, but really have no true understanding of just how entrenched, and tangled the eating disorder is in my life. Oh how I wish I could be fixed by, just eating, stop purging, decrease my exercise, get a job to take my mind off it, love myself, like my self, see myself, remember all that is good, be grateful for all my blessings, and the list can go on and on..... I have been there, done that, yet, I am still here in the midst of the battle. I spend each day trying to climb out of the trench and untangle the threads of the eating disorder. It is a tedious process like trying to untie a stubborn knot fine golden chains.
So, I am a warrior waiting patiently on the Lord to lead me through this battle. I often feel like David must have felt like when he faced Goliath with just a stone and a sling shot; scared to death, like God has picked the wrong one to fight this battle because I would just as soon die at the enemies hands some days then face it. I am weak, weary, and the enemy is way to big for me to slay. I believe that God has me right where he wants me; dependent on him. I am just like David. I am seeking God to be the strength I lack. I am trusting that he will lead me through the battle. Although, I am sure God has not called me to the greatness of leading his kingdom, I think he will use me to do great things in his kingdom.
I find hope in the story of David. I call on the Lord to be my strength today as I struggle to be still and rest on this the sabbath. It is hard for me to be still, and even harder to be still and fuel my body. It is a metaphor for my life. I have to earn my food just as I feel like I must earn love, acceptance and nurturing. Today I am like David dependent on the Lord to lead me through the battle. He has faith in me to slay the giant and like David he has chosen me to fight the battle not because I am unworthy,or disposable, but because he loves me. His strength is enough and I am worthy of it!
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