Sacred Summers

My summers at the lake are always special. Dare I  say sacred.  It is the place I go to refresh my soul and connect with those  love most.  I didn't plan well and it became  an endless stream of people in the door then out.  I was constantly changing beds, cleaning, and preparing for the next round of visitors.  It wasn't so much the physical preparation of the cottage as the mental preparation for all the different personalities staying under our roof!

The hardest personalities, of course being my parents.  I find it hard to figure out why they even want to come up.  My mother sits in a chair and wait for someone to wait on her.  She hassles the kids constantly, but denies this even when confronted directly about it.  Dad just isn't well and probably shouldn't be traveling.  My brother and his family are disappointed that they have to share their time with my parents.  And then there is the complaining.  Nothing seems good enough for any of them, except Leslie and her family.  I feel taken for granted and unappreciated in my own home.

I didn't realize how much I was dreading my parents descending upon me. Until they decided not to come.  I realize now that I was hoping by the time they arrived I my weight loss would scare them into behaving; into being nice to me and the children.  I was unconsciously hoping that my body could say what I had been trying to say for years.  "you are too much for me.  I can't fix you, your finances, I can't make you happy.  Dear God I can't jump through anymore of your hoops.  I am exhausted.  I am done. I have allowed you to suck the joy and life out of me, and now I am left having to revive myself."

You see, even though they didn't come, I had gone too far.  My eyes are empty, lifeless and void.  I am restless and sleep eludes me night after night.  I had stepped over that thin line.

I have stayed in this place a little, turns out a lot, longer than I usually do before I turn things back around.  Why does something so potentially harmful feel so quieting and oddly comforting.  I feel as though I am retreating deep into myself while disconnecting with those around me.  I have missed out on so much joy, connecting and  living these past eight months.  It break my heart to think of the moments that have been lost to the haze of the eating disorder.  The good, the sad, the bad are all covered in this haze.  It is lonely, yet engaging at the same time.  I know it really isn't about my food, or my body.  Hell, I don't even really see how thin I truly have become.  It is about power, control, and some how punitive.   What am I worthy of?

 Oh, it wasn't all bad.  I did have some good times.  At times I was sure I was beginning to snap back to life, but then I would stumble right back into the snare. I find it amazing that as I continued to fade away, no one said anything.  Maybe that is why I kept stumbling.  Did they not see it?  Did they not care enough to stop me?  And where is God in all this?  Ah yes, I am the one who walked away and lacked the faith that He would carry me.  So summer came and went and I continued to fade away like the sun dropping beneath the horizon;  the light giving way to darkness.