Jeremiah 17:7-8 " But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and their confidence. They are like trees planted along a river bank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit."
I truly felt that God sent me this for a reason, to remind me that no matter what comes I am rooted in him, but now I am not sure. Maybe it was to tell me that my roots are shallow and that the "heat and droughts of my life will cause me to wilt and die because my faith isn't what I thought it was?
Here is a message I felt that the Lord revealed to me as I was listening to a Christian radio station and they were talking about near death experiences, and I was thinking "I sometimes wish I could have a near death experience as opposed to the Job like experience I feel like I live day after day. I am tormented and see no end. I hear God saying "Was not your last year close enough? You were so close, closer than you know. You are here, does that not confirm my power, my love? You have been close enough for now. rise in faith, grow in faith. Keep on seeking my face. Live! Live! Live! Peace rests on you hearing my words, for you were spared for a reason. Take no credit, give me the glory. Let it all go. Weep! It is coming, in fact it is almost here. Bear it carry it, but not alone. For now that is enough. Share your story. Be my witness." Yet as I sit hear today, I find myself questioning and doubting that I will ever be okay.
I have been moving through one stumbling block after another. Just as I see the light at the end of the tunnel revealing a pathway cleared of debris, the light begins to illuminate new hazards of shards of glass leading to boulders and blocks. Three weeks ago I was praising the Lord for my continued movement through the eating disorder, and more good gut days then bad, now I am pleading for mercy and healing once again. I now am struggling with some symptoms from either nerve damage possibly
piriformis syndrom, or maybe hormones? I even wonder if they are a result of some yet to be discovered childhood trauma. I prefer to not elaborate on the symptoms as the are unpleasant, uncomfortable, and leave me feeling tainted and disgusting. The truth is not one doctor I have seen can tell me anything. Even my female gynecologist suggests "it is in my head" Really? It has me at the end of my rope and I am slipping back to that place I didn't want to go again, ever. The place of thinking death would be a better option. Maybe it really all is in my head? Yet, that is not where the symptoms rest.
I sometimes wonder if God wants to set me free? I know he can, but does he want to? As I read the scripture I feel both inadequate and abandoned because I am not standing up very well in this, yet another drought. Inadequate because I am wilting under these current conditions because my roots must not run deep enough, and abandoned by being set in this dessert in the first place. Yes, yes, I know I am the one that started into the dessert of the eating disorder all on my own, but how could I know then that it would destroy all of my joy, and lead to one thing after another? I find myself pleading for forgiveness like it is something to be earned even though it is not.
For the past two nights a wake around three in the morning. The first night in excruciating unrelenting pain. I cry, pray, and wander the cottage in search for Advil, Aleve, or anything to stop the searing pain. The pain brings me to my knees, but actually prefer the pain than the other discomfort I have been feeling. This morning I awaken to an email from my pastor. He was awake at 3A.M. and as he was praying for me God gave him 3 scriptures for me. I try to focus on them, as each one was related to keeping my eyes on Him and finding my hope in Him. I want my hope to be in him. I want Him to be my rock, my refuge my strength, but it is so hard to keep believing when I keep getting knocked down and around.
I am at least heard by my family doctor and she agrees to make some phone calls for me on Monday when offices re-open. I don't honestly know how long I can hold out before I end up in a hospital setting. I don't know what would be worse for my family, knowing I am crazy, or grieving me and getting along without me.
So, I continue to wander through my days existing, but not really living. I have little incentive to continue to recover from the eating disorder if I must continue to live in pain and disgusting discomfort. I seriously can't think of any worse symptoms than the one that torments me day after day.
I am questioning God and my faith daily. I am tired and try to focus on God's strength because I am out of strength. I am tired of working so hard at my faith, my eating disorder, my gut, my marriage, my anger, and now fighting to pretend that I am fine. I am not fine. I am desperate. 2Timothy 1:2 "I am suffering here in prison, but I am not ashamed of it, for I know the one in whom I trust and I am sure he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him." Although I am not in a physical prison, I am imprisoned by my discomfort, and this prison I am in brings me shame. I try to remind myself that this is a physical condition of which I have no control, but it is insanely difficult. Shame, "those who look to him are radiant there faces never covered in shame."Psalm 34:5 (NIV), I wonder if God is wanting me to deal with shame or guilt over something, over what I am not sure? Is it a trust issue? I trusted God each time I was pregnant and still lost 3 babies. So yes I have trust issues. I want to trust, but God is going to have to show me how. I need a revelation and soon. There isn't enough pink lipstick to cover this one.
