In Deuteronomy 1:6 God speaks at Horeb, The Lord our God said to us at Horeb, "You have stayed long enough at this mountain" NIV(1984) Somehow I think his words speak to me as well. I hear him saying"Liz, my dear, you have stayed here in this eating disorder long enough. Trust Me to lead you off this mountain." I want off this "mountain"!
It is now deep into the winter. I feel lost and unsure of how to find my way back to solid ground. I feel like I am off the marked trail of a mountain with snow falling and blowing with such vengeance that I can't even tell which way is uphill and which way is downhill.
I am sitting here running out of strength to fight my way out of this storm. I have tried to fight my way out, but keep ending up in the same place. Do I keep moving, or is there some one out there that can rescue me? Or maybe I am just going to have to make do with where I am. Besides, I am really not THAT thin. I weigh myself. I knew I was over 110 lbs, but now I feel a strong desire to drop below it just to see if I can do it. Oh, I won't stay there, but I will just flirt with it. Then, I will begin to seek health and wellness. The problem lies in that I have forgotten how to be well.
What scares me is how easy it was to become sick and how easy it is to stay sick. Am I really sick? Do I have to have the physical manifestation of the eating disorder to justify my need for emotional support and healing of my soul? Could I possibly seek help for the emotional trauma and upheaval I feel without the symptoms of the eating disorder? I push my therapist. "Tell me, tell me what I am" I beg her. I eat way too much ( in my eyes ) to me anorexic. I don't binge and I purge only to rid myself of foods I feel I must eat just to appear normal. Hell, for me a yogurt can be a binge if I must eat it when I don't want it. "You are anorexic" she says. " Well your exercise is your purge, so you are bulimic, but you don't binge"
I just want IT to have a name. For some reason I think that if I know what I am fighting it will somehow be easier. Then I just get pissed off and agitated as I realize this is just one more place that I don't fit in. I am an anomaly even in the spectrum of eating disorders.
My goal weight (their goal weight) is 120 lbs. I agree to it, but today I don't own it. I have always been fiercely goal oriented. So if this were My goal I would have met it by now. I see the prize and I race towards it. Today I am not really fighting for this goal. I am afraid of it, and keep looking back at 110 lbs. it would be so easy to reach if I really wanted to do it. It has never been like me to take the easy way out. Who would ever guess that restricting or self denial would be the easier choice? Today the self denial feels easier. It is like choosing to ski the green runs instead of the black diamonds. Feeding my mind and body, today, feels like the challenge of the black diamonds. Too risky!
So I am standing on the edge trying to decide which way to go. I hover like a humming bird. Only the humming bird stops just long enough to find its next source of nectar to sustain her. I hover, think and debate, do I stop long enough to take in the sweet nectar of sustenance, or do I continue to hover....going nowhere.
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