Revelations 2:10 " Do not be afraid of what you are about to suffer. I tell you the devil will put some of you in prison to test you, and you will suffer persecution for ten days. Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you life as your victors crown. (NIV)
2Kings 20:1-6 "about that time Hezekiah became ill, and prophet Issiah son of Amoz went to visit him. He gave the king this message: 'This is what the Lord says: Set your affairs n order, for you are going to die. You will not recover from this illness.'
2When Hezekiah heard this, he turned his face to the wall and prayed to the Lord, 3'rmember your, O Lord, how I have always been faithful to you and have served you single-mindedly, always doing what pleases you. 'then he broke down and wept bitterly. 4But before Isaiah left the middle courtyard, this message came to him from the Lord: 5 Go back to Hezekiah, the leader of my people. Tell him, this is what the Lord, the God of your ancestors David , says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears . I will heal you, and three days from now you will get out of bed and go to the temple of the Lord. 6 I will add fifteen years to your life......"
Almost three years ago to the day I walked into a new therapists' office just to have someone to touch base with as I was beginning to hear the gentle whisper of the eating disorder calling for me, little did I know then that it would be just the first of many whispers that would crescendo into deafening roars. Just as one roar was silenced another would rise up from a low guttural growl to a full fledged roar. What the hell? I found myself, and still find my self thinking is going on that I can't seem to find my way out of this lion's den? Why isn't God coming into this den and plucking me out of my suffering? When will I be healed and receive the victors crown?
I have to believe he is up to something, because this has been a long fucking journey, uphill, and against the wind, and just when I think the worst is over I discover that what I thought was the peak
indicating the culmination of my climb, was just another switchback. I can only climb so high before I give up and roll back down hill into the full blown eating disorder, or jump off the ledge completely. My, how much easier the eating disorder was compared to the nerve pain I am suffering through right now. At least, to a certain degree, I was in control of the pain and suffering of the eating disorder. This I have no control over and I do fear it will send me rolling back into familiar eating disorder just to feel like there is something in my life I can control. And I know that this is a lack of faith that God has me in the palm of his hand, but I feel like it is this or jump. Maybe the jump wouldn't be so bad of it were a leap of faith, but I am having so much trouble finding my faith. I am just tired of working so hard for everything I do and truly the eating disorder is easy and distracting. Or, at least it's was distracting. I am not sure, if it would actually distract me anymore as it is so effortless to starve. I am not sure what the purpose in beating the eating disorder is, if I am going to live in a state of pelvic and of other discomfort the rest of my fucking life?
I thought I was doing ok and then all the symptoms came swooping back in like a flock of vultures waiting to pick me a part. Unfortunately they didn't have to pick me me apart because I fell apart. First the tears, then the crying out for mercy, asking why, then the anger.....I never had anyone that had my back as a child and thought I was worth the effort and now I feel like God has left me hanging as well. Then there is the ever present guilt the rises as I remember that I did get in to see the specialist, and I am going back in a month. Grateful, yeah, I guess, but I am still amazingly pissed off the He has allowed this infliction to begin with. I am paralyzed by grief, fear, and anger. I know I am not in this entirely alone as I have the most patient saint of a husband who feels the worst of my wrath aimed really at myself, since I am still not convinced that this is indeed some sort of punishment.
I cry, scream, pound things and crumble. I spy my vision board in the corner of my closet, fuck my vision! I rip it up. First into big pieces, then smaller and smaller until my "dreams" are just scraps. Scraps that I toss up into the skylight and watch filter down in the rays of sun finding some irony that there is little light in my life right now. Having nothing in my control, I take back the eating disorder for the last 3 days. I restrict, I purge, if my body wants to betray me fine, but I will have some say in it. It isn't like I can get much food in anyways as the throbbing symptoms make me gag. And I know I am playing with fire this time, but I don't give a shit. I begin to wonder if maybe I really was meant to die in the eating disorder because this is not living.
I grieve my life and the life that sucks for my husband. This isn't how he deserves to live; with a sick, angry, despondent wife. God, do you see my tears my face turned to the wall? Do you not remember how I seek you and love you? Where is my healing? Where is my miracle? A friend is riddled with cancer. She is prayed for and over. The surgeon opens her and closes her as there is no sign of the cancer. "A miracle" is all he can say. Another needs just the right amount of money for a flight. She is offered a free ticket. "Oh God is good and supplies just what I need." She sings in praise.
Not only that, but where are my "pink" ribbons, my walks of awareness, someone to see how my husband is suffering along with me? People rally around Brad's in laws because his father in law has Parkinsons. They ask his mother in law "how are you doing? How are you holding up?" My husband, he walks alone carrying first the burden of the eating disorder, and now this, with symptoms too heinous to speak of even though they aren't my fault. I, no, we are lonely we are scared, and I am losing ground. I was winning the battle, I was stable physically, emotionally, and I thought spiritually. I don't understand any of this except for the fact that I am all out of fight. I am no longer crazy, for the record, this illness is crazy, and that, my friends, it what makes me feel crazy!
