Distortion

There is a reason why they use sleep deprivation on prisoners, because it is TORTURE!  As I drifted further into the eating disorder, sleep eluded me night after night.  I would fall asleep only to wake after 2-3 hours of sleep.  Once awake my mind would race like a rat running through a maze.  Sometimes I would run through thought after thought like the mouse on a straight away in the maze.  Then my mind, like the mouse would get stuck in the corner.  It would focus on one thought.  Most the time my mind would focus on my shame and pain of being here again. It is in this corner that I would beat myself up trying to figure out how I could never measure up.  I like the metaphor of the corner because that is where the eating disorder has put me. I was Like a child being punished, only I was the one punishing myself.  So in the dark night of sleeplessness, and probably hunger, I would literally beat my self up.  I would punch the walls, rock back and forth and throw myself on the floor like a child having a temper tantrum.  Sometimes it was all I could do to not bang my head into the wall in hopes that by knocking myself out, at least I would sleep.

Now looking back with a little more clarity, I wasn't literally beating myself just because of the sleep deprivation.  I was beating myself up because I was disgusted with my self.  Then I had to admit to
myself that is wasn't only at night that I would do this.  I would do this on "bad" days when I looked in the mirror.  You know?  That distorted eating disordered mirror.  I would pound on my, perceived, protruding belly, or claw at the "huge" thighs. I would pinch the "thick" spot on my back just above my hips to stop it from encroaching  to my waist.  Then when I was finished with the physical torture.  I would verbally turn on myself for both the "fat" that I let creep up on me, and then for physically hurting myself.  "You Bitch, you ugly fucking Bitch.  When are you going to get some control over this?  I hate you!!!!"

I am able to share this now because I know that  am not alone in this, and I know that this is really the eating disorder speaking out and acting out. You see, I am shifting ever so slightly into accepting me for me. I am a beautiful sacred creation of the Lord most high. I see the irony of beating myself up for not hurting myself enough through the starvation itself.  It is an odd concept for me to think about even as I write about it.  If only I had hurt myself more by fading further away, then I wouldn't have to beat myself up. Really?   If only I had been a better daughter, I wouldn't have been hit with that yardstick, or told I wasn't good enough.

I had, once again, taken over where my mother left off.  She wasn't the one poking me in my size 6 tennis skirt telling me you look a little thick in the waist, I was the one doing it.  Only now my size 6 is a 0.

It is through this shift that God speaks to me through His Word 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 ( NIV ) 19" Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your bodies."  He isn't speaking this to me today in judgement or condemnation, but believe as a gentle reminder to take care of his special creation because it is the dwelling place for my soul and His spirit.

It is never too late He promises me this. Philippians 1: 6(NIV)  "Be confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Is this ever so subtle shift the beginning of a good work in me?