Ready

Philippians 1:25 "Knowing this, I am convinced that I will remain alive so I can continue to help all of you grow and experience the joy of your faith"(NLT)

I sometimes, like Moses, wonder how God can possibly use me to help others grow and develop their faith.  I am so far from holy and righteous, and just weeks ago death, once again,  seemed like a better option than facing the eating disorder, and the other ways my body was letting me down.  I have decided that I will NOT let this eating disorder win.  God is with me and I am beginning to put my faith in the fact that he has a purpose for me that is far beyond my comprehension.  I will continue to run to him for strength when I feel like I can't face one more day.   This in turn strengthens my faith.  He knows just where I am broken, why he has allowed it, and how to put me back together again so that he can use me.  I don't need to be perfect, just willing to follow his lead.

It is not easy to remain hopeful and faithful.  Today I woke up with my nerve throbbing, but it has finally settled down to tolerable.  I have stopped asking why, and am now asking why not?  I have stopped asking the same about the middle aged relapse into the eating disorder as well.  It is futile.  It just makes me feel crazy, and I am slowly coming to realize that I am not crazy, but human.  Everyone has their own "crazy"  they deal with so that, if willing, God can use for others going through the same "crazy".   Don't be deceived, it isn't easy, and at times the realization that I may always carry parts of my "crazy" with me seems daunting.  I just want to be well so badly,  but the habits of the eating disorder linger like the Axe, my pre-pubescent nephews have discovered.  It isn't necessarily a bad fragrance, but one that can be overpowering and sometimes lingers longer than it should.

I have tried, as best as I know how, to eat normally and act like someone who doesn't have an eating disorder.  I realize that I am not even sure what "normal" means.  There are times that my therapist say "I am pleased that you are normalizing your food."  I really don't even understand what she means by this, and I am not sure that even the best therapist (mine is pretty darn good) understands that food will never be normal for someone that has or has had an eating disorder unless they have been there.  I don't know that food and eating will ever be "normal" for me,  and that may have to be okay.  I will probably always have this internal barometer telling me what food is okay and what isn't; what is too much; what is tolerable, and what is not.  My brain has been trained for so long to question food decisions, rely on exercising, scrutinize my body, I do it without much conscious thought.  My brain just accepts it as normal behavior.

I have tried in the midst of my other physical afflictions to eat as I assume "normal" people eat.  Sometimes that means eating even when I don't "feel" hungry because it is rare that I truly feel my physical hunger from my belly.  I have learned to pay attention to other cues my body is sending me.  I  get light headed, cranky, unfocused, shaky, and anxious long before my belly calls for nourishment.  I have to me hyper vigilant to my physical sensations just like I once was hyper vigilant to my mother's wants and needs.  Here is the cool part,  I can take care of my wants and  needs, where as I could never meet her needs as much as I tried.  With her, I have just stopped trying, but I am worth the effort, so I press on.

Nourish verses eating makes more sense to me.  I am worth nourishing.  Maybe because I was never emotionally nourished, it was easy for me to forgo  go physical nourishment as well?  I was, after all used to feeling so very empty.