Gentle

Gentle

Ephesians 4:2 "Always be humble and gentle.  Be patient with each other's faults because of your love" (NLT)


I checked out my face book this morning and my sister had posted a picture of a delightful young woman with a before and after picture of her posted.  To my surprise it was not of weight lost, but weight gained.  The first was of her starving anorexic self, the second of her curvy recovered self.  I found myself scrolling obsessively through numerous other pictures of young women and a few older women like myself, posts of their eating disordered bodies and their recovered bodies. At first I found myself wondering how I measured up compared to these other eating disordered women.  Was I thin enough to have been considered sick?  Am I heavy enough to be considered well? Then  I was struck by the varying degree of thinness the equated sick versus well for each woman.  Frankly some that seemed to be fairly normal sized in their illness, were the sickest, starving their naturally curvy bodies just to try to achieve even something close to our warped cultural ideal body.  Then their were the others that, like myself, who wore the scars of the eating disorder for all to see.  Finally there are those that don't even have the pictures to post because they are suffering behind the bathroom door, puking up all they have taken in, or those hiding  behind the protective layers of fat that cause others to be repulsed.

While our cultural obsession may feed the eating disorders or fan their flames, it is really something deeper within us that really feeds the eating disorder.  It is the way we cope with hurts, loss, trauma, and our desire to be seen as we fade away, or hide our shame behind closed bathroom doors, or those layers of fat.  It is our "no", and distorted means of controlling what we can't control, but just like the swirling of the vomit in the toilet bowl, or the swirling of our undernourished bodies as we try to stand, the shame we try to flush away or starve continues to swirl and swirl and unlike the waters that go still in the toilet bowl or the bodies that eventually steady themselves, there is no stillness in the soul for those of us stuck in the vortex.

Dare I say that I am one of the lucky ones?  Although I am now at a much healthier weight, I wore my eating disorder for all to see actually revealing my truth.  Maybe that isn't so bad after all.    I am exposed as someone who has been hurt and wounded along this journey we call life.  The only difference between me and the rest of the world is that you can see from my outside how much I am hurting on the inside.  Maybe this reminds you to be gentle with me, but how wonderful would it be if we were all gentle with each other, recognizing that we all carry wounds that are hidden?  Some of these wounds lie just beneath the surface of our facades, easily splayed open, while others are buried deep in the soil of our souls where enough digging can cause them to erupt like undiscovered wells.  Sadly, some the most painful wounds come from those who are closest to us, and they are the ones that can rip them open repeatedly, yet the one who loves me, and you, above all yearns to heal all my wounds and even FEED me.  Isaiah 40:11 "He will feed his flock like a shepherd, He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart.  He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young" (NLT).  He loves each of us enough to nourish us, and hold us close to his heart.  So, even if for a moment I rest in His arms.