Double Portion

Isaiah 61:7 ( NIV ) "Instead of shame you will receive a double portion,
And instead of disgrace
You will rejoice in  your inheritance
And so you will inherit a double portion
in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours

Hebrews 10:35-38 "So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord.  Remember the great reward it brings you. 36 Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will.  Then you will receive all that he has promised.
37 For in just a little while the coming one will come and not delay
38 and my righteous ones will live by faith
But I will take no pleasure in anyone who turns away"

A double portion?  I would settle for a single portion, but as I sit and pray I really do feel like God speaks to me and says "but I want to give you a double portion and it will happen in this lifetime and not in heaven when we are all made complete."  I have decided that this will be my focus.  I will focus on this promise that God has given me, but I still find myself begging for him to reveal to me when it will happen.  As I ask for this revelation I realize he has actually answered me already.  Hebrews 37 " for in just a little while the coming one will come and not delay"  I am struck by how closely this verse reflects the personal word God gave me just prior to experiencing the neuralgia.  At the time, I was sure he was speaking of the eating disorder, but now I wonder if it truly my broken heart he was referring to and the neuralgia is just a test to see if I will turn to him or the eating disorder for comfort and control.  So, make the conscious decision to hand over the eating disorder.  This time instead of releasing it one finger  at a time, I visualize myself walking to the feet of my savior and holding open my hands and placing the eating disorder in his.  I let out an audible sigh of relief as he takes it from my hands.  I have enough to carry without carrying the eating disorder as well.  "will you trust me with this?"  He says.  And each day I look to him to strengthen me to resist the urge to take it back.

I continue to wait expectantly for God to have mercy on me and either through the doctor in San Francisco or God to supernaturally heal me and spare me from the continued physical pain and discomfort.  This child is so tired and ready for her double portion.  I sound like a broken record going to God every day begging for healing and telling him that "I can't do this much longer!" I am like the persistent widow in Luke 18:1-8.  I will pray and not give up.  I take an inventory of my last few weeks and realize that at times I am feeling better, at other times I am not so sure.  I take hope in the fact that I am not feeling worse.  My Pastor continues to reassure me that the holy spirit continues to give him the sense that I will be healed.  I finally am getting the sense that I will, but don't know when.  I am not sure if I have the patience to persevere and endure until that day comes.  I am emotionally exhausted in addition to physically.  I just want to sleep.........forever, but I have a life I would like to live.  I press on in hopes of receiving my everlasting joy.

It is difficult for people to understand just how much pain and discomfort I am in when I look fine on the outside and even function normally outside the safety of my four walls.  It is behind my closed doors that I crumble.  I find that this causes me to pause and consider that I may not be the only person that is crumbling from the inside out where no one can see it.  I have learned to be more compassionate, empathetic and less quick to judge.  I have learned to discern the difference between compassion and pity.  I need what all people need at times in their lives, compassion, not pity.  I am hurt, and wounded, but I am not pitiful.  I have learned to listen when I REALLY want to give my opinion on what is wrong and how to fix it.  Romans 12:15 reminds me "Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep"(NLT).  That is all I am called to do, nothing more, nothing less.

Everybody wants to "fix" me or give me there opinion on why I am in such a deeply carved valley in my life.   Because I am not comfortable talking about the discomfort I feel people try to fill in the blanks and make a guess at the affliction.  I guess I understand this behavior. No one like discomfort be it their own or a loved one's.  Here is where I get so pissed off!  First of all this is not a result of the eating disorder any more than the arthritis in my hand is from the eating disorder, nor is it a result of me being emotionally weak and unstable. I do believe in a mind body connection for illness, but this is like saying depression caused a broken arm not a trip down the stairs.  The suicidal thoughts are a demonstration of just how desperate I am to end the physical pain and discomfort.  I also realize that because of the stress even though I have handed the eating disorder back to God, my weight is down and I appear frail.  Here is the truth of the matter.  I am choosing today at this moment to live.

This means that "I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13 ( NIV ).  I am actually pretty fucking strong and amazing to get through each moment, let alone each day of the past four months.  I am strong even on the days that I fall apart crying and lashing out at those closest to me as if it were their fault.  Lest everyone forget, that for each day I fall apart I manage to put myself back together again and again and again.......That my friends is strength.  The weak and frail can't do this time and time again.  So, please don't assume that I am weak because I am small.  Remember the mustard seed!

I admit that I have no idea how much longer I can remain strong, but I know God does.  I also know that right now I am uncomfortable and in pain, but I am ok!