Confident

Psalm 27:3-6 "Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid.  Even if I am attacked I will remain confident"

I meditate on this scripture today as I am still fighting so many battles, the eating disorder, the nerve damage, and now I have a large sty on my eyelid that may need surgery.  See, I am telling you, I never seem to get a break and it leaves me tired and exhausted body, mind and spirit.  Add twelve people and five dogs to the mix in my small summer cottage and my anxiety level sores like the seagulls outside my window.  So,  I do what I know best to cope and purge the last three days.  I justify that it isn't everything I take in, but just enough to feel some control, a release. I have at least decreased the volume of each purge each night, and last night though I try to purge, I physically can't bring it up.  I also try to not beat myself up for slipping and try to remain confident not just in who God says I am, but in who He says he is. I believe He Is my healer.  This is merely a small uprising of the eating disorder and I am confident that he will guide me through to eventual victory, and heal all my afflictions.  I just need to remember to take my anxiety to the throne of my Jesus and not to the porcelain throne.

  I also try to remember that recovery is a process that I not only can't do perfectly,  I don't have to do it perfectly.  I just need to start each day with a breath of knowledge that I am ok here in this moment and not alone.  I hear His voice like a gentle whisper  "you have me Liz, you don't need the eating disorder.   Put your confidence in me.  Trust me with all your fears.  The eating disorder isn't your friend."  Of course he is right.  For weeks I was doing well and even in the midst of the nerve pain because I turned to him and not the eating disorder, and felt a sense of peace about everything.  I purge and the guilt and shame begin to consume me like the food I have taken in, except I purge the little I have consumed while the guilt and shame binge on me.  "Breath, surrender this moment of guilt and shame to me.  I forgive you, now forgive yourself"  He whispers again and I inhale the fragrance of hope in his word.

I change my focus away from my recent failures and focus on my recent success realizing that really, looking at  the big picture, I have more good days accrued than bad.  Philippians 3:12,16 (NLT) speaks to not just those of us in recovery, but all of us because we are all works in progress. Philippians 3:12"  I don't mean to say that I have achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection.  But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus possessed for me. Philippians 3:16"But we must hold onto the progress we have already made."  I think this is universal to all of who struggle with eating disorders, addictions, trauma, or abuse. Actually, it is universal to all people because we are all human. We slip, we trip, and sometimes we may even fall all the way down on our asses, and it gets easy to beat ourselves up and believe we are failing.  The problem is that we forget to remember that we have progressed because we focus on the fall.  What if we focused on how high we have already climbed, then we would see that even though we have  fallen we are still closer to the summit than the base.  Oh, and one more thought, since we are all capable of falling, shouldn't we all stretch out our hands to lift each other up?  Thessalonians 5:14 (NLT) "Encourage those who are timid.  Take tender care of those who are weak.  Be patient with everyone."