Battling the Giant

Psalm 27:9 (NLT)  "Wait patiently for the Lord.  Be brave and courageous.  Yes wait patiently for the Lord.
I was asked describe my self in one word at one time and my answer was resilient. ( recovering readily from adversity ).  Yet, I no longer feel resilient as I have not recovered readily from the eating disorder that I have allowed to afflict me for the past year.  Today, one word to describe me?  I am a warrior waiting patiently on the Lord.  Like a warrior it takes courage beyond belief to fight the battle. It also takes the full armor of God.  Mine is not a battle of slings and arrows, but one of  fighting the eating disorder day after day.  It is a formidable foe that never ceases to come after me.  I am grateful that I have the Lord on my side and it is through his strength that I don't just give up in total surrender to the enemy.   It is his armor that protects me from mortal harm.

It is hard to wait and it is hard to be brave.  It is also hard for those around me to wait and be patient as I fight this battle.  People mean well, but really have no true understanding of just how entrenched, and tangled the eating disorder is in my life.  Oh how I wish I could be fixed by, just eating, stop purging, decrease my exercise, get a job to take my mind off it, love myself, like my self, see myself, remember all that is good, be grateful for all my blessings, and the list can go on and on.....  I have been there, done that, yet, I am still here in the midst of the battle.  I spend each day trying to climb out of the trench and untangle the threads of the eating disorder.  It is a tedious process like trying to untie a stubborn knot fine golden chains.

So, I am a warrior waiting patiently on the Lord to lead me through this battle.  I often feel like David must have felt like when he faced Goliath with just a stone and a sling shot; scared to death, like God has picked the wrong one to fight this battle because I would just as soon die at the enemies hands some days then face it.   I am weak, weary, and the enemy is way to big for me to slay.  I believe that God has me right where he wants me; dependent on him.  I am just like David.  I am seeking God to be the strength I lack.  I am trusting that he will lead me through the battle.  Although, I am sure God has not called me to the greatness of leading his kingdom, I think he will use me to do great things in his kingdom.

I find hope in the story of David.  I call on the Lord to be my strength today as I struggle to be still and rest on this the sabbath.   It is hard for me to be still, and even harder to be still and fuel my body.  It is a metaphor for my life.  I have to earn my food just as I feel like I must earn love, acceptance and nurturing.  Today I am like David dependent on the Lord to lead me through the battle.  He has faith in me to slay the giant and like David he has chosen me to fight the battle not because I am unworthy,or disposable, but because he loves me.  His strength is enough and I am worthy of it!