Sorrow

Psalm 103: 9-12 " He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. 10 He does not punish us for all our sins;  he does not deal  harshly with us, as we deserve. 11 For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height if the heavens above the earth. 12 He has removed our sins as far as the east is from the west. 13 The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. 14 For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust"(NIV)

I love how the Lord reminds me of His unfailing love when I am feeling quite unlovable, and even angry with God.  I don't mean a little angry.  I mean swearing at him to the point of begging him to just take me home and return me to the dust of which he speaks.

How can I go from faithful and hopeful, to anger and utter despair in less than 24 hours?  Then I remember I have someone else battling for my soul.  That Satan is a living powerful force trying to pull me away from my father.  Thursday through, well most the weekend, he had me just where he wanted me.  After a day of giving my body the rest it so desperately needed and nourishing it, I purge the next nights dinner.  I find myself believing that I can't do this.  I can't beat this eating disorder and that God is somehow toying with me.  I can't get a break from the eating,  twitching of my eye, and the tension headache that is now pounding more like a migraine.  None of which seems like they will ever subside.  Then there is the fear that my drop back in weight and metabolism his ruined any progress I have made in the past weeks.  I am so discouraged!  I cry out for God to stop screwing with me, I can't take this anymore.  I am tired beyond tired of working, and fighting this battle.  I am tired of me, of being me.  I just want out!!!  I want some respite.  No, I need some respite.  My husband tries to console me, but I am at the point of inconsolable.  I hate myself for putting him through the melt down.  I am ashamed of the fear I have caused to flash in his eyes.

I just wish anyone could understand for just a moment what it is like to live inside my mind and body; to understand the fight the prayerful effort each day entails.  As I watch the Olympics, I think, shit!  with all the work I am doing I should be dripping in medals.  Some days, as much as I try to remember that God promises I won't be given more than I can handle, I feel like I am bending to the point of breaking.  Friday was one of those days.  I was broken physically, emotionally and spiritually!  The only thing that pulls me back together is knowing that I am going to my future daughter-in-law's to spend time with her aunts, friends, and my sister and Donna.

Then when I tell Donna how I am feeling done,  she reminds me of what the future holds in my son's marriage and the "G " word.   We aren't allowed to say grandchildren it freaks my husband out, so we all play around it!  I do go and manage to keep it together, enjoy myself, and eat without purging.  I try to just soak up how much my niece and Kels love me.  Although I still wonder how anyone can love me today when I feel and behaved so unlovable.

I wake flooded with fear, sorrow, and anxiety.  I am wide awake, but pretend to be sleeping until I hear my husband leave.  I don't have it in me to face him and pretend I am fine, and I don't have the heart to let him see all the fear, sorrow and anxiety I am carrying.  I just want to be alone.  Still feeling like I could crawl out of my skin with my head and heart pounding, I hit the road for a long run.  I use every once of emotion I have bottled up inside of me to propel me forward.  I tackle the roads, the trails, and the hill with a vengeance.  Am I truly punishing myself with the aggression of the run?  Or is it releasing all the anxiety that has settled in?  Am I running away from myself?  Am I running to find myself?  Am I running simply to off set some of the dinner I am going to have to eat out with old friends.  It is a beautiful coolish day.  I just keep running and running, feeling a little like Forest Gump.  Searching for answers from God and from myself as I really just hope to find a little peace.

I come so close to canceling our plans for dinner.  I still just wanted to be left alone and frankly was terrified I would need to purge the dinner anyways.  I somehow mange to gather the emotional strength to meet our friends for dinner.  It ends up a safe enjoyable evening.  I think because of the intensity of my run i am able to justify keeping my food in.

Sunday I am church and I don't even realize I am crying until I feel the tears spilling over onto my open hands that rest longingly at my chest to feel Jesus spirit falling into them.  I am so sorrowful of my anger towards God.  I am overwhelmed as I listen to the words and try to choke them out in song.  "Well, everyone needs compassion, A love that's never failing, let mercy fall on me, Well, everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a Saviour, the hope of nations''
So take me as you find me, all my fears and failure, fill my life again....( Mighty to Save by Hillsong )

He takes me as he finds me, and that means even today as I am ugly, discouraged, worn out, unlovable, unbearable....