Justified

Romans 5:1 ( I have been justified ) NIV 1984
" Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ "

Oh how long the past two weeks have been.  I should be relaxed and peaceful gazing at his creation.  this is northern Michigan, God's country.  Yet it has been marred by a well spring of anxiety, pain, and suffering.  Some of the pain is physical, but most of it is emotional. The truth is that even the physical pain and suffering originates from my spirit;  a spirit that has been broken.  So the anxiety presents itself with twitching muscles, and massive headaches.

Where as many with eating disorders are out of touch with their bodies and its  physical sensations of hunger, cold, pain, etc., I am hyper-vigillant and aware of by body.  I notice every twitch, every rumble of my gut, every heart beat, and every breath I take.  This in and of its self is emotionally and physically exhausting.  Couple that with my suppression of any physical, or emotional pain that tries to make itself known, I am tired and out of strength.  Yet, somehow I manage to eat and keep it in.  I just want to surpass that one month marker of not purging.  I have done it and this causes me to feel just a twinge of hope and pride.

God has used this time to once again wrestle with my relationship with him and two questions.  The first is pretty universal.  "Why me?"  The second, comes from that little girl inside of me that still sees God as a reflection of my mom.  "God, what do you want from me?  I will do anything to please you to earn your love.  Please oh please, I beg you, just tell me what you want from me!"

I find it somewhat easy to answer the first question.  "Why not me."  We live in a fallen world.  There is illness, accidents, and trials that God allows us all to go through.  He never promised us a life without suffering, because it is through suffering that I believe he makes his presence  known; that we are brought to our knees to rely on him.  Psalm 46:1 (NIV)  God is our refuge and strength, an ever- present help in trouble"  If only I had turned to him instead of the eating disorder to rescue me from my mother's demands, criticism, and anger.  If only I had trusted him to carry the burdens I was never meant to carry,  if only I had remembered my body is his temple, if only I had remembered Philippians 4:13 (NLT)  "For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength", if only......But, I became fearful and impatient, and turned to myself instead of God; my Jehovah.  The name for God that means he is interested in me on a very intimate and personal level, and desires to set me free.  Jehovah never tires of picking me up  and dusting me off that I amy try again.  Just as I never tire of listening to my children and helping them through difficulties, Jehovah never tires of me coming to him and crying Abba (Daddy) this is too big for me.  Will you carry it please.

So it is now that I am paying the consequences of my actions?  I am a little frustrated that now, after months of eating well and purging only a few times, as opposed to a few times a day, here I am suffering from muscle twitches and headaches, etc.  I suppose it is my body telling me it is still stressed.  Maybe it is the low weight, the low body fat, or the high activity level?  I have hovered around the same weight and body fat for the last 8-10 weeks.  There is something that keeps me here, but I honestly don't have to fight very hard to stay here.  I keep asking, "What if this is my new normal?''  Yet my nutritionist and therapist continue to warn me that it is just not optimal for my physical or emotional health.  So, that is why I press on to do the things that ask of me, not just because I have faith in them, but because I have faith in my Jehovah.  The God that I ask to speak through them, to guide their hearts and words for me.  The God that I ask to be the third person in the room.  If I trust Him, than I have to trust those he has entrusted me to.  So, I press even as I wonder what is physiologically based versus what is psychologically based because it really is all from my broken spirit.