Anxiety

Philippians 4:6 " Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."(NIV 84)

1Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" ( NIV 84 )

Psalm 55:22 "Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you.  He will not permit the the godly to slip and fall"  (NLT)


There are times when I find it hard to maintain my faith in all that God has promised.  "He will not let the godly slip and fall"  So, God you will instead allow me to slip and fight with all the strength I can find just to stay upright.  After 2 weeks of watching Olympics coverage, I compare myself to a gymnast on the beam.  I am spinning, flipping, and in  the end I am standing, bobbling on one leg, while I should be on two.  I am  Hanging on by the tips of my toes, flailing my arms in the air trying to not fall, and while falling is painful, there is a certain amount of pain the body and mind endures just to hang on.  I remember the commentary on one poor girl.  "Oh my that was just awful, she didn't even try to hold on.  She just gave up!"  God must be somewhere in this balancing act with me because truly I feel like that poor young girl.  I just want to give up.  It would be easier to fall.

I have a lot of anxiety.  Some I am aware of and some not so much.  It is that anxiety that holds me in the grasp of the Eating Disorder, causes the bizarre Burning Mouth Syndrome ( google it ), and now apparently the twitching of my eye for three weeks.  Now for most people this eye thing is just a casual nuisance, for me it is the new thorn in my side.  One more thing I have to fight.  I wonder if it is ever going away, and how my friends that have experienced it didn't gouge their eyes out?  I immediately jump to fear.  Fear that I am weak of character, that God is testing me, punishing me, or worst yet, like my parents abandoning me. That somehow peace and contentment is meant for others and not for me.  Should I have to always work this hard just to feel normal.  And what the fuck is normal anyways.  See there I go swearing.  Ugh just another sin in my life.  Sorry Jesus!  Forgive me.

Oh and while I am on sin.  I whole heartedly confess that I am a sinner and I need my  Savior, but I also need a break.  Oh and by a break Lord, I mean some peace and relief, not to be broken.  I am already in a place of brokenness. Isn't that where you want me; dependent on you?  Take my anxieties because you care for me.  As I bring my requests to you in prayer, if you aren't willing to calm this storm, calm me your little girl.  I am thankful that I can come to you and grateful that you gave it all for me on the cross.  I am thankful for my blessings.  Some that are apparent and some that are disguised by struggle and pain.  Abba Father ( Amen ).