I gather my memories of the summer like a bouquet of wild flowers picked from the trails and roadsides I have run, walked, ridden and traveled the past few weeks. It is an odd collection. Like wild flowers, some of my memories are bold bright and beautiful with color. They are smooth and soft like the velvety texture of the sweet peas' petal. Others resemble thistle, surrounded by prickly-edged leaves. Yet even with the thistle and thorns, all in all, it is a beautiful bouquet compared to last summer. Where as last summer I was losing control and free falling into Anorexia, this year I am trying to let go of it, but it is hard. It has become so much of my identity, I still struggle with who I am without it. It draws people to me out of concern but at the same time repels them as they tire of trying to understand it. Yet I was thinking today that in a sense it does prove that my parents must have, deep inside, a love for me because out of fearing for my health they have at least left me alone. It would be nice if they knew or acknowledged how sick I was, but I will have settle for this. Hopefully as I recover, I will learn to use my voice with them and not my body. And most of all realize that they are limited and I am hoping to be limitless.
I have such mixed emotions about my body right now. I wonder if I will ever be at peace with it? I reluctantly run the 10K instead of the 1/2 I so desired. I remember last year how my body strained and struggled to run after weeks of restricting and purging. Although I finished well last year, the pain and discomfort is evident in the pictures. There is the beginning of the lifelessness I felt, exposed on film. This year I was comfortable, strong and vibrant. I didn't miss the searing gut pain from the purging with each step I took. Ahh! This year, even through my cheetah sunglasses, there is a sparkle in my eye and a joy that radiates through my body off the film. I rocked the race, 11th woman in, 25th overall. It was a great day! I had my sister and Beth at the finish line waiting for me, and a week ahead of me with just the girls. Lots of laughter, warm weather, and plenty of wine.
I have two favorite times of day up here. Early in the morning and late in the afternoon. In the afternoon with my back turned to the sun and my face to the water I take the time to breath, pray and reflect. I count my blessings, and despite my past year feel a sense of calm wash over me. There is a peace I feel in being alone, yet not being lonely. I love how Anna Quindlen speaks of this " Solitude is an acceptable form of selfishness" I couldn't agree with her more, but it has taken me years to allow myself this simple pleasure of being alone without guilt or, frankly feeling lonely. Today as I sit with myself I feel the cool breeze coming off the lake. I close my eyes and imagine it is God's breath exhaling and carrying with it the burdens I was never meant to carry as he inhales and lifts them to heaven for him to carry. For the moment I feel free and unencumbered; light, tall, like I am beginning to unfold.
No comments:
Post a Comment