Discomfort

John 5:8 (NIV 84) "Then Jesus said to him, 'get up!'  Pick up your mat and walk"  Although not physically paralyzed like the man waiting for the waters to stir, there are days that I am emotionally paralyzed and unable to move.  It is in these days that I still must do what seems as impossible as the paralyzed physically walking; the simple act of eating and keeping it in.  Today feels like it is going to be one of those days.

My body feels thick and foreign to me even though my weight is still 8-10 lbs below my swan dive back into anorexia.  My gut hurts as I eat, and the discomfort and bloating feels unbearable.  It is dark, rainy, and gloomy outside of my window.  I just want to go back to bed until I feel the discomfort dissipate.  I feel like the day, gloomy and unpleasant.  How can I possibly nourish this uncomfortable body?  What shall I do to take care of my restless soul?  I am struggling  to keep a yogurt in my body.  How will I put anything else into it today?

So, I look to my Savior for the strength I don't have available from within my soul today to fight this demon.  I know that some days I have to work hard at taking care of myself, but today I can't do it.  I don't trust myself.  I don't trust my strength.  I turn to Jesus and try to focus on him because today feels too hard for me.  I need his strength to enhance what little strength I can muster up.  My hope rests in his strength to enhance my own. I need it not only to eat, but to help me tolerate the discomfort.  Although I need Him everyday and know I am never walking alone, today seems particularly difficult.

I sometimes get frustrated by the whole process of recovery.  I feel like if God wants me to be well, he should make at least the physical discomfort go away.  Maybe it is in these moments that I am to trust him the most, but all I feel is fear and doubt.  Much like the paralytic must have thought.  "pick up my mat and walk?  Yeah right!"  Yet that is just what he did.  Out of faith he picked up his mat and walked away.  Can I have the faith to, regardless of my fear and doubt, pick up my "mat" and walk away?  Can I eat and keep it in knowing that the discomfort will subside?  Can I let myself be comforted by his grace and mercy in the midst of my discomfort?