The Choice

Deuteronomy 30:15 ( NLT ) " Now listen! Today I am giving you a choice between life and death, between prosperity and disaster."

Each day I wake I am choosing between life and death.  Taking up space or fading away, or staying somewhere in the middle.  I am waiting for God to reach down and transform my mind so that I k ow longer fear the very thing that sustains me or the weight that comes along with it.  Faith Liz, where is your faith?  Each day I chose to walk in the eating disorder instead of His truth, I am choosing the eating disorder over him.  I am saying this is what makes me feel safe.  This is what makes me powerful ( while becoming weak ).  I am tired of fighting the battle to eat by faith even though my body responds to the food with pain and discomfort.  So, yes I am angry with God!  If I am to eat why then are you making it so difficult to eat.  I am so frustrated, I am depressed and I go through a period of questioning not just God, but is he even who he says he is?  Even he even there?

I panicked!  If he isn't there, then I am out here fighting this alone.  I made calls to my pastor daily, and began to re-read apologetic literature, historical references, and yes the Bible.  What I needed was evidence that He was there, because I couldn't imagine a Loving God allowing me to suffer so emotionally or physically.  I see now that he was using this crisis of faith to grow, me and prepare me to be filled with the Holy Spirit, and hear his still small voice over the booming voice of my past telling me I was never enough and would never be enough.

During this time my weight went up, it went down, never lower than 112 lb's, never higher than 117 lb's and my body fat hovered around 10-12 %. Okay God, " I need my tangible evidence.  I need my equivalent  to Moses' burning bush. I need it now before I go off to Belize to be your servant."  This was my plea over and over again.

God showed me his face as I, despite my questions, continued to seek it.  Through words spoken directly to me through my own writing, and through baptism in the Holy Spirit, and receiving the gift of praying in Tongues.  I went to Belize, not only as a believer in Christ, but spirit filled as well.

I hoped this this would be the final piece of my healing puzzle, but God had more to do with me, and I suppose I had more to do with Him because I was not suddenly healed.  I felt great while on the mission trip, but as soon as the plane landed back in Cincinnati the pain the gas, the bloating the anguish over eating.......was rearing its' head with a vengeance.

And so the battle raged on.  I was in a spiritual battle, and a battle against my own body and mind. I also found my self battling my therapist as I believed, and still do believe God can completely heal this.
Acts 3:16 "By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong.  It is Jesus name and the faith that comes through Him that has Completely healed him as you can see."(NIV)  I chose this version because of the word COMPLETELY. Jesus can completely heal by faith even Anorexia which has the highest mortality rate of ANY psychiatric disorder and limited recovery rate.

God, like I said, speaks at times through my writing, through listening for his voice.  Each time I chose the eating disorder over him, I hear him telling me "Liz, stop undoing what I am trying to do!" Have faith in me not the purging, not the restricting.

I find myself struggling some days to eat because of the discomfort, and on the good days fighting the urge to purge fearing that I have taken too much in. Yet I believe that despite the fact the anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder and limited recovery rate that Jesus will heal me completely, despite the fact that  even as I write this I  have purged a little today.  I am disappointed that I fall to this as God has been so good to me on this trip and my gut has handles a great variety of foods.  Today I enjoyed a grilled sandwich for lunch, and a large cookie from the bread store.  I really didn't think about it.  I just ate it and enjoyed it.  So, it wasn't until dinner and it was a safe and heathy meal that I feel like I need to get rid of just enough...... I want to cry, I want to take it back.  I don't need this any more.  I still believe in his promise of Acts 3:16

I see it coming, but I hear God telling me that I still have work to do, it isn't work to earn grace or healing, but stepping out in faith.  121...I keep seeing and hearing this number.  I sense that this is my goal weight.  If I get there then my healing will become complete.  God speaks to me " So for now, rejoice in your suffering.  I've got this in MY hands, leave your hands off your body.  Eat by faith, even when you don't feel like it.  Keep seeking, keep thanking, come to me on prayer when it gets too much.  I will carry you through it all.  Trust, trust, trust.  I promise I will not forsake you.  This pain will be used for me glory.  Wait and see.  If I had healed you completely when you begged me and I told you patience, the time isn't right, would you know me more and have been reunited with your pastor and baptized in my spirit? There will be healing and revelation, but you my precious one must do some of the work.  Again, not for grace, love and mercy (you already have that) but as an act of faith and trust.  I love you Liz, I really do, trust me"

I fear letting Kurt, my pastor or my therapist know that I have struggled these past few weeks with purging.  It is small and just a little pressure release, but I know it isn't ok, and I feel guilty and remorseful (as I always do).  I remind myself there is no condemnation in Christ.  I am human and I will slip and fall, but he is there to pick me up and let me lay it all down at his feet.  I am starting to see that I may break down, but I am not broken, but made whole my Lord.

So, now you are pretty much up to date with my past year.  Oh and it wasn't all bad.  My son was married a few weeks ago.  God showed me that I can have fun again and experience joy!  It was a weekend filled with joy, blessings, and being with those I love and those that love me.  I soaked it like a sponge filling every nook and cranny of my heart and soul.  I plan to savor it, and experience it again and again as I trust and and let God fill the space that is left as I evict the eating disorder one day at a time.  Today I chose to let the eating disorder in the door, tomorrow I can  hear its knocking, but chose to not answer the door.