So, as I sit her today and write I have come so far, yet have so far to go. I have ventured out of my comfort zone professionally, socially, with my rituals, food, and, faith but not quite so much with my body.
I spent the last school year working in the Junior High schools and Senior High schools on the surrounding suburban schools of Cincinnati. I work for a non-profit teaching teens a three day abstinence based sex education class. I love working with the young people and I love that I am basically getting paid to do God's work. I truly believe from, not only a moral point of view, but for physical and emotional reasons this is the healthiest, and wisest choice. God has also used it to challenge my belief that I am too far entrenched in this eating disorder to ever change. I have read so much about the plasticity of the brain, and how it is moldable well into adulthood, even into advanced middle age. It gives me a sense of hope that my brain can move beyond the trauma of my childhood and the lies that I have believed about myself all these years. I also think that I owed it not only to myself, but to my students to present myself as a healthy role model by keeping my weight stable. I wish I could say that I reached the magic goal weight of 121lbs, but I was proud that I wasn't losing.
Not losing became harder than even I could have imagined. Some time in August my body once again began to betray me. Every time I ate I became so uncomfortable with bloating, gas, and pain. ( I will spare you the details), but this impacted everything I did from eating to going out, and even my work.
Once again I became so angry with God. What are you doing to me Lord? I am willing to eat. I want to recover and now my body rebels against almost every thing I put in it. So, began the rounds to doctors, naturopaths, acupuncture, energy work, and now psychiatrist to treat the depression that grew bigger and bigger each day as my body betrayed me.
I couldn't take the bloating and began to loathe my body more than ever before. I would try to live with the discomfort thinking that each day it would subside. Each day my hope quickly dissolved into despair. I could only take so much before I would implode. it usually started with pressing on my abdomen to press the bloat away. The I would grow angry that my body, once again couldn't do the most primal task of eating. I would sadly begin to punch at my gut hoping that like punching bubble wrap it would eventually pop. When that didn't work, I would claw at my gut begging God to take it away, or take me away. I would eventually dissolve into tears rocking, shaking and crying out to God "I can't do this anymore, I can't do this any more, I can't do this anymore, over and over again. Kurt, both my therapists and others feared I would take my life. I don't think I was suicidal because as much as I hated myself, my body, I loved my family. Yet, if he chose to take me home, then I was ready to go. I just wanted the pain and discomfort to stop, and when it didn't I could distract myself by hurting my self. To my own horror, I today bear the scars from my own hands. And I was losing faith in myself and my God.
Hi Liz,
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind since you had invited me to read your blog last year, and I still had your blog (address) so I did read your recent posts to catch up on how you're doing. I'm impressed and envious in your obvious love, dedication and faith in God. I understand the ups and downs in your faith that He is there for you. I think there are a lot of people that question God's ability to always be there, and often feel let down.
I don't know if you've ever tried eating gluten-free (for some reason I feel like you've mentioned it before on fb). Anyway, my daughter eats strictly gluten-free due to having Celiac so we are primarily a GF family. I didn't realize how much I used to experience bloating/gas/gas pain and just overall discomfort from eating foods that mostly contain wheat. GF foods have been mostly in my diet for about 10 yrs. now and I very rarely experience any of those symptoms. That's an awful feeling to have, especially if you're hungry and you look and feel like you've eaten a 3-course meal. Let me know if I can help you with some recipes/suggestions.
Well, I don't know if this means squat but I want you to know that when I read posts and see the pics on fb of you, I don't see you for weight, I notice your fun fashion sense, always love your clothes and cute headbands, and your cute smile, your accomplishments and wow, a new daughter-in-law! I wish you could see yourself for being not good, but great enough without being just the right weight. But I also know enough that it's not that easy and that it can be a very dark place. Hoping for courage and continued strength for you Liz. Always here to chat :). Lisa