Motivation

Philippians 1:27 (NIV)  Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ"

Although far from perfect, I try to conduct myself in a manner worthy of my savior.  And when I feel my integrity questioned, it angers and hurts me.  I have great motivation to keep moving forward and keep fighting for recovery.  I have little motivation to feign improvement, or report that I am feeling and doing better.  It is a hard arduous task.  Sometimes it is one day at a time.  Some days it is one bite at a time.  Sometimes it means feeling uncomfortable, fat and bloated. Some days it means feeling stronger, healthier, and more present.  Some days it means just feeling normal and realizing it in the dairy section of the market.

My weight is up around 6 pounds, and my body fat, although low at 10%, is out of the absolute danger zone of 7 %.  I am choosing to move forward despite the days of fear and discomfort.  I find my strength and courage in the Lord.  I try to keep my eyes on Him and who I am in him.  I AM getting better.  Yet how does one measure this?  Here is my great frustration.  I have no blood test, CT scan, or any other test that can measure my success other than the weight.  Yet, somehow, that doesn't even seem to be a true indication of wellness.  Hmmm?

So, do I sit and wait for someone to tell me I am well?  I seem to have everyone telling me what I should or shouldn't do anyways.  So, maybe I should just sit around and wait to be deemed well.  Is it my child like frame (that isn't so much any more), that makes it okay to be treated as a child?  Is it the fact that, yes malnutrition effects brain function?  So, is it assumed my intellect is faulty too.  By the way, where is the test to tell me that my brain is nourished and functioning normally?  Oh, and does it effect my integrity.  I know that anorexia is a powerful disease, but maybe, just maybe, I am usurping some of its power?

How do I ever prove that I am more powerful than it is without being given the chance.  Maybe I could run the 1/2 marathon June and if not continue to gain my weight at least remain stable.  If I am willing to entertain every ones opinions on why I shouldn't, then  could they at least entertain the reasons why I could.  "How do we know you won't slide back?"  They argue.  "How do you know I won't" I argue my point.  " The disease is big and powerful it has its own identity" Can I get a little credit here?  I know that I am not fully down the road of recovery,  See, I am not in denial. I know I didn't have a sense of how "scary" thin I had become.  Yet when I saw it I acted swiftly and on my own.  I didn't wait for my husband to okay it, nor did I check with my therapist.  Like the big girl that I am, I found a dietitian and followed her meal plans.  I have followed every freaking rule set before me regardless of my fear and discomfort.  I would just like to have the chance to show how far I've come; a chance to set a few of my own rules.

I do realize that everyone has my best interest in mind.  I realize, that unlike my mother their motives aren't punitive, yet I still feel like a grounded adolescent.  Well, I know the choice is mine to make, but now if I try and fail, will my support team abandon me?  Ugh!  Here is a news flash; I may never be fully recovered, but when will I be free to try to step out on my own without the fear of abandonment if I falter?  It feels like I am being subjected to a crude form of behavior modification, only I am not really clear what to do to earn the coveted prize.  I am tired of feeling like a child.

I don't know if I am irritated with all those telling me don't, or myself and the anorexia for getting me here in the first place.  I know there are a lot of people that chose to give the eating disorder its own name, identity, or whatever!  It isn't me talking it is the ED talking or some kind of crap like that.  Frankly I think that is bullshit!  It is like excusing myself for engaging in the disordered behavior.  It somehow makes me not accountable for my behavior, and powerless.   It isn't the eating disorder lying about purging, it is me.  It isn't the eating disorder choosing not to eat it is me.  There is something about the concept that just doesn't resonate with me.  I am the one who chose it, and I am the one that can send it on its way.  Yes it is a strong pesky beast, but I am not powerless over it.

I am angry I am irritated, and I look to the Lord.  As I pray for wisdom and revelation I hear his voice.  Since day one I have prayed for my team of professionals to be wise in my treatment.  So, I suddenly realize that by rebelling against them and running this race, I would be ignoring the very thing I had prayed for; their wisdom.  I don't like the answer.  I don't like feeling like a child, but I will abide by it because I am his child.  I rest in the fact that God and I both know that I am getting better, I wasn't fabricating it to get my way.  I was speaking the truth; My truth.