Again

Matthew 14:29-31 (NIV)  29"Come" he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came to Jesus.  30 But When he saw the wind, he was afraid and beginning to sink, he cried out "Lord, save me!"


Let me begin over again, again and again.  Allow me to remember that each day offers up this opportunity to me.  The gift is in the dawn of a new day.  It comes wrapped in sun light, or hidden in the clouds, but it comes... The choice is mine as to whether to unwrap it or leave it alone.  So, it is with the dawn of each new day that I fight to begin again. I fight to find my voice and be heard.  I fight the urge to fade away instead of allowing myself to take up space.  I want to honor my body, my mind, and most importantly my soul.  Can I except that I am where I am for a reason?  It would be so much easier to beat myself up beyond recognition for falling back into the eating disorder.  I am, after all, used to brutal punishment. There is some twisted irony that the anorexia leaves me unrecognizable, yet I want to beat myself up beyond recognition for embracing it once again.  Either way I am not recognized.

This morning I reach and open the gift of today and the opportunity to begin again.  I share my story without guilt or shame.  I do however; share the pain and toll it has taken on my body and soul.  I pause for a moment to pray.  I allow the Lord's grace and mercy wash away the transgression of taking my eyes off of him.  Like Peter in the storm, as soon as I looked away and became afraid, I began to sink.  I became quickly submerged beneath a torrent of swirling doubt and pain.  It wasn't raging waters that took me down, but simply rage. It is really a matter of faith. Can I allow him to wash away the eating disorder knowing that the pain, suffering, and rage it hides will be exposed?  I am scared of who I am without the anorexia.  It is like letting a piece of me go.

Today I find myself letting go (ever so slightly) of the idea that I and anorexia are one.  Instead of my identity being wrapped up in the eating disorder,  I gingerly unwrap the gift of today and the opportunity to begin again.  I feel the value in having the courage to tell my story.  My words are received as painful, yet powerful.  I use my voice and it is heard.  I find great power in exposing my weakness.  There is an acceptance I feel that this struggle is a part of the fabric of my being without defining who I am, or who I am becoming.

So, this is my opportunity to receive the gift of a chance to begin again today.  I think and search my inner most thoughts and being.  I pray for the Lord to give me revelations; to lead me on my way.  I think I want to turn back time and reclaim who I was a year ago.  I want to reclaim the emotional and physical strength that I have relinquished to the eating disorder, but I am not the same woman.  This experience has added value to the sum of my equation.  I am not the same, I am not  less, but I more. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" Since I am not dead, I can only assume it has made me stronger.