I find myself in a situation that has caused me stress and heartache as I worry about one of my precious children. The details aren't important right now, but how I deal with it is. I have always been a stress non-eater, but because I am so fresh into some semblance of recovery I am aware that I could easily use this as an excuse to dive right back into restricting. I know the eating disorder can sneak up and grab me from behind like a bandit and quickly pull me back into its snare. I hesitate, but finally admit this to my therapist. Part of me may still want it, but most of me wants it to get the fuck out of my life.
Although she has actually used the term recovery (Oh how I need to hear this) with me lately, and that I am not "knee deep" in the Eating Disorder, I feel it calling for me every day. It feels like I am still caught in its web of symptoms. At times I am free from some of the symptoms, but never all of them at one time. I feel like a fly stuck in a spiders web. Its whole body can be free of the web, but as long as just the tip of its wing is stuck it isn't able to fly. I want to fly! No, I want to soar. I am so sick and tired of this illness. I am tired of caring about my food, my exercise, my weight, my body!
I believe that it is good that I am getting pissed off at it, but I am also frustrated as I don't know how to make all this stuff not matter. I have been strong, courageous, and worked my fucking ass off, and it is still there whether I like it or not. It lingers in my head calling for me like a relentless telemarketer, no matter how many times I hang up on it. I find myself irritated every time my therapist says "that is how powerful the eating disorder is still." Fuck the eating disorder! Doesn't she see, or anyone see, that I don't want to give it power, it takes it. I don't want this anymore than someone wants cancer, Parkinson's, or any other life-threatening illness. Why is mental illness a choice, but cancer and other illness aren't? Actually eating disorders are seen as a choice more than other mental illness, like Bi-Polar, Major Depressive Disorder, or schizophrenia. No one chooses any mental illness. I didn't choose this, it chose me. Sometimes I wonder if allow myself to still purge occasionally, because I don't feel like anyone believes I can truly be symptom free, except maybe Rich. I stare at the toilet, sink, wherever I am and think "what the hell! may as well purge." I need to start thinking fuck you the eating disorder and those who don't believe I can ever be totally free. I believe in my God. And I know he can transform my mind because he promises me this. Can I believe in me? Is there such a thing as full recovery and arrested symptoms? I have no clue, but I try not to get discouraged because God is with me. I need to believe in the possibility of full recovery, or this fight would be futile; Without hope!
I go back and find hope again in Romans 12:2 (NIV) "Do not be transformed my the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve of what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." I don't know what this will look like or when my healing will be complete, but this I know for sure; This is not God's will for me the rest of my life. I love how the (NLT) reads, "let God transform" My only job is to step out in faith and trust him. The transformation is his job. I am so exhausted from the fight, but I believe I can find the faith and energy to take one small step at a time. I may not know how to make a giant leap, but I do know how to press through fatigue one step at a time. I do this when I run, even if I have to stop and walk, I always mange to finish the race.
I remind myself of this today as I leave my therapist's office feeling more than overwhelmed as she lists all the different pieces of my eating disorder. I restrict, exercise, purge, and yes I know I have an inaccurate body image. I think "please don't say it, please don't say it!" She says it "It's complicated!" I hear "you are complicated." I try to process what is said. Is it (eating disorders) complicated, am I complicating my recovery, or am I complicated? For a second I am back in second grade asking the teacher for help and she points her finger at me "you need to stop asking questions. You are a nuisance." I know that isn't what my therapist is saying, but it is what I am feeling in the moment. I feel like she thinks there is something more I could or should be doing, but I have no clue what. And just like second grade I am trying to find the answer to questions I am not sure I even understand. I try not to feel hopeless since I am not helpless with God on my side.
There are somethings I can choose to do around the eating disorder. I can choose to eat even when I am not hungry because I do need nourishment. I can choose to keep my food in, and to take a day off from working out. I can even choose to stay off the scale. What I can't seem to choose are my thoughts about food, weight and my body. I can't choose to enjoy food and find pleasure in the taste or texture without first thinking about what my body will do with it. I can't choose to take a day off from working out with out feeling guilty or that my body will turn to mush over night. It is this internal struggle that wears me out, and leaves me wondering if I will ever be free. Is that why my therapist finds this so "heat breaking?" Is it because she believes I will never truly be free and will simply have to learn live in the gray? I try not to let myself go there, because it too breaks my heart.
While others can look at me and see a "perfect" body, I rarely can see it. Even on those days that I see my body through others' eyes, it is hard for me to appreciate it because I know the price I have paid to achieve it. It is just reminder of my eating disordered life. It is like looking at the scars left behind after open heart surgery, or cancer, it is always a reminder of discomfort, pain and suffering.
I go back and find hope again in Romans 12:2 (NIV) "Do not be transformed my the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve of what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." I don't know what this will look like or when my healing will be complete, but this I know for sure; This is not God's will for me the rest of my life. I love how the (NLT) reads, "let God transform" My only job is to step out in faith and trust him. The transformation is his job. I am so exhausted from the fight, but I believe I can find the faith and energy to take one small step at a time. I may not know how to make a giant leap, but I do know how to press through fatigue one step at a time. I do this when I run, even if I have to stop and walk, I always mange to finish the race.
I remind myself of this today as I leave my therapist's office feeling more than overwhelmed as she lists all the different pieces of my eating disorder. I restrict, exercise, purge, and yes I know I have an inaccurate body image. I think "please don't say it, please don't say it!" She says it "It's complicated!" I hear "you are complicated." I try to process what is said. Is it (eating disorders) complicated, am I complicating my recovery, or am I complicated? For a second I am back in second grade asking the teacher for help and she points her finger at me "you need to stop asking questions. You are a nuisance." I know that isn't what my therapist is saying, but it is what I am feeling in the moment. I feel like she thinks there is something more I could or should be doing, but I have no clue what. And just like second grade I am trying to find the answer to questions I am not sure I even understand. I try not to feel hopeless since I am not helpless with God on my side.
There are somethings I can choose to do around the eating disorder. I can choose to eat even when I am not hungry because I do need nourishment. I can choose to keep my food in, and to take a day off from working out. I can even choose to stay off the scale. What I can't seem to choose are my thoughts about food, weight and my body. I can't choose to enjoy food and find pleasure in the taste or texture without first thinking about what my body will do with it. I can't choose to take a day off from working out with out feeling guilty or that my body will turn to mush over night. It is this internal struggle that wears me out, and leaves me wondering if I will ever be free. Is that why my therapist finds this so "heat breaking?" Is it because she believes I will never truly be free and will simply have to learn live in the gray? I try not to let myself go there, because it too breaks my heart.
While others can look at me and see a "perfect" body, I rarely can see it. Even on those days that I see my body through others' eyes, it is hard for me to appreciate it because I know the price I have paid to achieve it. It is just reminder of my eating disordered life. It is like looking at the scars left behind after open heart surgery, or cancer, it is always a reminder of discomfort, pain and suffering.
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