"Then Jesus said,'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yolk upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and a gentle heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29 (NLT)
As I sit in the airport waiting to return to San Francisco for a week of treatment on my nerve, I am doing my best to fight back tears. I can't believe I am subjecting myself once again to the violating treatment for a condition that I had no clue even existed. I have had a long month and I believe some of the tears are like those of a child in desperate need for a nap. I had the flu over Christmas and the eating disordered voice kept rising up in me compelling me to keep right on moving, and not just moving to get through the holidays, but run, ski, and hike in the snow. How can I skip working out and moving this body as I am faced with unsafe foods, and plenty of extra wine. Yes I still found it in me to drink some wine and eat as it was the real flu not a stomach bug.
I recognize that this is obsessive and compulsive. My body with its raging fever calls for rest, the Eating disorder calls for action and movement. Rest is something for the weak and sloth like. So I look at this as a challenge to get up and keep moving. I still hear the familiar tape "you aren't going to just hang out in your pajamas all day" I can push my body through long runs, swims and triathlons, this to me is just another way to prove to myself that I am going to control what I can about MY body. I can't control my neuralgia, I can't control the flu, but I can push through it. I have become very accomplished at pushing through all kinds of pain and discomfort these past four years. I have fought the good fight against the relapse, the neuralgia, and more emotional pain than I care to acknowledge. The flu, is merely a nuisance that can't keep me down. Part of me, the eating disordered part, believes that I can sweat it out, driving the virus from my beleaguered system. The medically educated me, and the compassionate part of me, wants me, to rest. Unfortunately, the compassionate part of me is still figuring out how to crank up the volume on her newly discovered voice of compassion and self-care, so it is drowned out by fine tuned maximum volume of the Eating Disorder and a little bit of denial. I may develop Eating Disorders, injuries, or unexplained neuralgia, but I don't get sick. No, really, I seldom get sick, or maybe I am just used to denying it? Does it surprise anyone that I received the "Perfect Attendance" award in grade school. Anyone can get straight A's, (with enough effort) but I can do almost anything while sick!
I am not alone in this almost obsessive drive to move instead of rest. I read today a post on Eating Disorder Hope by Jacquelyn Ekern, MS, LPC President and Founder of Eating Disorder Hope Always on The Run with Anorexia....."Many anorexia sufferers are in perpetual motion. It can seem as though they are hyper active as we watch them pace, shake their foot while sitting or go on yet another long walk or run. High levels of physical activity is the norm in anorexia nervosa(1)"
The Commonality of Obsessive Physical Activity
"Many who struggle with with anorexia find themselves engaging in obsessive physical activity. t does seem to quell some unrest for these folks. Interestingly, researchers have also found that when rats are placed on highly restrictive diets with resulting weight loss, these rats will run excessively on an exercise wheel. In fact, if given unrestricted access, these rats will run until they die(2).
The Brain Chemicals Behind Obsessive Exercise
Research indicates that those with anorexia have abnormal levels of dopamine and 5-HT and noradrenaline neurotransmission. So, how interesting the noradrenaline, a brain chemical associated with stress and anxiety, was more normalized in rats who exercised excessively(3).
The holidays have stressed my body allowing it to fall victim to the non-discriminating flu, further increasing my stress causing me to hear the louder of the two voices: I run, ski, and hike, but the eating disorder's volume is slowly being dialed down and even though I must exercise every day, I allow myself to then take some time to rest. Here is the fabulous thing about resting, not only do I hear my own quiet voice saying "rest", I hear God's voice saying, "It is okay to rest my dear one. You have worked so very hard to survive the eating disorder, painful nerve blocks, and create a beautiful family Christmas. I came that you would have peace. Even I, rested, after creation and through the storm on the boat. Trust me to calm the storm of your anxiety. I want to give you this rest for your body and your soul." I love that I hear his voice in the stillness; those times when just breath Him in and out. I am not so adept at turning down the volume of the eating disorder, but he is. He doesn't just turn down the volume, he puts it on mute.
Now hearing God and listening to him are two different things. This is why I ended up sick with an infection two weeks later. The eating disorder and I panic in the doctors office as the doctors tells me to take three days off, and then half the distance, half the effort for the week. "So," I said "what about my ten miler tomorrow?" He looks me in the eyes "What part of YOU ARE SICK! do you not get?" All of it, but I take off two days, and then try my best to dial it back. Could it be that God is using each of these small forced periods of rest to re-wire my brain, and adjust my brain chemicals?
I am given a 4-5 injection nerve block on the last day of my stay in San Francisco and orders to rest for three days. "Not again!" I think "I have just started training again!" The anxiety rises as I worry about my weight rising rapidly with each day I rest. Then, in my stillness, I have time to reflect. My body didn't change when I rested for the infection. It stayed the same and I began to heal. The volume of the eating disordered panic grew quieter. "He is doing it," I think allowed. "He is changing my brain just as he promised, as I trust him and who I am in him." Romans 12:2 (NLT)"Do not copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know god's will for you, which is good pleasing and perfect." I know the God is always at work in my life and in your, but if we don't take the time to be still in his presence chances are we will miss the evidence he sets before us.
1. Sternheim, L., Danner, u., Adan, R. and van Elburg, A. (2015), Drive for patients with anorexia nervosa. Int. J. Eat Disord., 48: 42-45, dol:10.1002/eat.22272
2. Gutierrez, E. (2013), A rat in the labyrinth of anorexia nervosa: Contributions of the activity-based anorexia rodent model to the understanding of anorexia nervosa. Int. J. Eat. Disord., 46: 289-301: 10.1002/eat.22095
3.Van Gestel, M. A., Kostrzewa, E., Aden, R.H.A. and Janhunene, S. k. (2014, Pharmacological manipulations in animal models of anorexia and binge eating in reltion to humans. British Journal of Oharmacoogy, 171: 4767. doi: 10.1111?bph.12789
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