Strike

Isaiah 43:1-3(NLT). 1" Do not be afraid for. I have ransomed you.  I have called you by name; you are mine.

2When you go through deep waters, I will be with you, when you go through rivers of difficulty

You will not drown

When you walk through fires of oppression you will not be burned up

The flames will not consume you

3For. I am The Lord your. God

The holy one  of  Israel, your savior.......

I read and re-read this, trying to figure out when I will be plucked from the water! or pulled from the flames.  I do feel,like I am drowning and gasping for breath, or that my lungs are filling with smoke so that I can no longer breath. I am being consumed.

I see the word ransom and wonder why I am still held captive if He has ransomed me?  I am a hostage so I may as well go on a hunger strike until I am healed or dead.  I am not sure if it is the eating disorder rising or the fact that I am so disgusted and disturbed by the symptoms I am enduring right now, I have little or no appetite.  My lines are blurred as they were when my father died.  Is it just an excuse to flirt with the eating disorder or a typical reaction to an atypical symptom.  I think the difference is that with my dad my heart was heavy with grief, this time I am not sure I care if I live or die as I can't live with the symptoms much longer.

Sometimes I feel like I am trying to hold God hostage or manipulate him; because that is always a good idea when dealing with the creator! (Insert sarcasm ).  I know this isn't the way to demonstrate faith only desperation.  I cry myself to sleep, and wake up hoping for relief only to feel the strange sensations that have taken over my body and therefore my mind.  They are un-relenting as they rip and tear through my body and mind.  I wonder if this is what Jesus felt like as he was whipped until his flesh hung from his frame.  It is by these "stripes"  I am told I am healed, yet I have not had that sudden healing! 

I find myself listening to Jake Hamilton's Just Beyond the Breaking   "All I can offer is skin and bones to the greatest love I have ever known"  And I wonder if through this, that is all I will have left to offer him will be skin and bones as eating has become more and more difficult as the depression from the affliction takes over.  There are days that the symptoms cause me not to purge, but vomit from disgust and pain.  Maybe that will be my legacy.  She loved the Lord, but trauma, eating disorders and this heinous affliction brought her down.  And maybe just maybe it will lead to more research into all of the above.  Am I supposed to die in this all to help others?  I keep hoping not, but I wouldn't be the first He used in death for others to live.  After all God didn't spare his own son.......

Keep in mind I don't want to die, I just don't want to live like this!.