I Am Alive

I’m Alive!

Isaiah 30:20-21 “ and if you leave Gods’ path and go astray, you will hear a voice behind you say, no this is the way; walk here.  And you will destroy all your silver idols and gold images and cast them out like filthy things you hate to touch.  “UGH” you’ll say to them “be gone”

I wake this morning to freshly fallen snow transforming the dirty pools of slushy water and barren gray trees in to pristine coat of white and light.  I am not sure if it is the snow covering yesterday’s filthy view from my window or the scripture I read today, but I sense a peace.  I am growing stronger and more confident each day that I am going to be okay.  Yes, I deliberately stepped off God’s path on to the hazard filled road of the eating disorder, but if I listen closely enough, I hear him say “ no, this is the way.” All I have to step out in faith and follow his voice, and let go of my idol, the eating disorder.  It is harder than it looks to destroy those things in our lives that, even though destructive, somehow become our friend.  The eating disorder is becoming more and more filthy and unappealing to me, but I still fear the weight I am asked to gain or at least maintain.  So, for now while it is still something I hate to touch, I still need it within arms reach.  I am not quite ready to say “BE GONE”, but I know that Jesus’ death on the cross has left me as pure as the winter wonderland I gaze upon.  That is what God sees in me despite the filthy things I reach to touch, instead of letting him reach out and touch me.

I remind myself that each day is a new day, be it covered in brilliant white, abundant sunshine, or driving rains.  Even while stomping in the mud puddles of life, I have a chance to approach my Lord with pure heart, because that is what he actually sees in me.  This morning I was struck by an unusual emotion; one I am not quite familiar with – contentment.  Could it be that I am moving towards the joy the Lord promise me?  Joy, I am not even sure what joy looks like any more, let alone feels like.

I have spent so much of the past two and a half years on a dark path of self-loathing that manifested itself, once again into anorexia, so I am happy to settle for contentment.  The contentment is my light at the end of the dark lonely path, so while the path is still dark I can now see a light to guide my way.  I am not walking this path alone.  Even when I stepped off the path he has been walking beside me on this journey making sure that I did not die along the way.

I am strongly aware of this as I stand in church to sing “and its all because of Jesus I’m alive” I am alive!  Despite my best efforts to fade away, he has saved my life for today, for eternity.   I am surprised at this point that I am not dissolving, as I sing, into a river of tears.  I feel a great sense of God’s presence, anticipation and, dare I say, joy because I know that he has spared my life for a reason yet to be fully revealed.  I will wait on him.  I will continue to eat by faith even on the difficult days.  There will still be days that I am not sure I like how my body looks or feels.  There will be times that feeling the fullness of food in my body will be uncomfortable.  There will be days that I can’t keep it in.  I know I still live in fear of the scale, but at least I live, and am grateful for this.

I feel called, as I am still and listen to The Lord to re- visit the darkest days of this journey.  I think it is to remind me that my journey is one that is slowly wandering away from despair towards hope. It feels like I am climbing a hill to get a better view, and just when I think I can see the top, I hit another obstacle or switch back, but it is in the steep curves of the switchbacks that I often get a glimpse of the view from the top. 

I begin to slowly look back at down the path I have traveled.  I open my journals and read the words, my words, of despair the sprawl across the pages, like looking into a rear view mirror God reminds me “objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.”   I understand that while I am out of the woods, I am still in the dark shadow of the eating disorder even though it seems so far away.  Is it good that I feel as disconnected from the eating disorder as I did (and sometimes still do) from myself?

Falling back into the eating disorder left me feeling so broken, shameful, as well as physically a mess.  I tried daily to remember that I was not alone in this.  Psalm 34:18 ( NIV)“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”  There were dark very dark days that I went to the Lord by pure will and faith, not always sure that he was close to me.  There were also days that questioned him, raised my fist to him, and cursed at him.  Why me God?  His answer “why not you?”  My answer “because God I want out and if you don’t take me home I will take myself out.” 

Death seemed so much more palatable, than food and the emotional and physical pain it caused me.  It also seemed like, in the long run, my family would be better off. They could grieve me and then get on with their lives.  As much as I tried to disguise my anguish, they saw it and felt it.  Kurt lived in fear of coming home to find me lifeless.  I still don’t think I was really capable of deliberately taking my own life, but if I accidently injured my self in one of my self-loathing rages, it would be fine.  There were actually moments that I hoped to hurt myself just enough to go into the safety of a stark hospital room, but I also feared giving up control.  I was fine with losing control, but giving it up, not so much.  I just wanted someone to understand that I was emotionally hemorrhaging, and the rage was my uncontrolled bleeding.

Was I afraid?  Damn straight!  I was terrified that I would seriously hurt my self.  I remember my therapist asking me if I was suicidal, or would hurt myself.  I told her no, but I honestly had no idea what I was capable of doing in my deepest moments of despair.  I don’t think I had revealed the scars left from clawing at my own body with my own hands.

Would I make the leap?  There were days that I felt as though I was stuck on the Tea Cups at Disney.  My world was quickly spinning deeper into the depression and the eating disorder.  I felt like my only two choices were to spin and spin, or jump from the cup just to stop the dizzying effects of the eating disorder, and we all know what can happen when you leap out of a moving object?

So was I suicidal?  I didn’t have a plan like the few people I know who made the leap.  I somehow think mine would have been spontaneous, just like my purging.  It would be a knee jerk reaction, with the only note being the journals that I write in.

I danced around it, but another therapist says to me and to Kurt “let’s just call it what it is.” “ What, what is?” I ask as if she has insulted me. “Suicide,” She says. “And that would be a very selfish thing to do to your family” I knew that in the depths of my soul, and hoped that it was enough to hang onto.

My pastor was the calm in my storm as he told me he felt that I wasn’t going to take my life.  He told me of other times that the Holy Spirit had alarmed him to literally wake and check on someone preparing to end it all.  He instead kept reassuring me that I was going to be healed of all of it; the anorexia, the depression, and the painful gut issues.  So, yes I was scared, but I knew my pastor well, and was beginning to know more and more of God’s truth and that he loved me.  I was able to some degree, to rest in this.

It was a very scary place that I wouldn’t want to visit again.  Maybe that is why God called me so strongly to visit it again.  Am I in recovery?  I hope so, but again I wish for the tangible litmus test, like a last round of chemo and follow up scans that would reveal any small threat of the illness becoming full blown again so I could plan my counter attack.