Light

LIGHT

Psalm 18:17-19 "He rescued me from my powerful enemy; From my Foes that were too strong for me; They confronted my in the day of my disaster; But the Lord was my support; He brought me out into a spacious place;(Get This)Because He delighted in me.
28 You Lord keep my lamp burning; My God turns darkness into light.

Ephesians 1:18 I pray that you hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.


1Peter 2:9 (NLT)"But you were not like that, for you are a chosen people.  You are royal priests, a holy nation, God's very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.


There is a common word running through these three scriptures that I happened on this past week; Light. God is trying to speak to me through His word, and I begin to wonder how this ties into the question or answer for that matter: Who am I, and what about me causes Him to "delight in me"  What is it that causes others to "delight in me"  when I find it so difficult to delight in my self.  Is it possible that God and those outside of my own body and definitely those outside of my own head see someone entirely different than I see my self?  Could they possibly see light piercing threw the darkness of the eating disorder, with each ray bringing me out of the dark places of the last few years into his wonderful light?

 God uses light to expose our strengths, but also our weakness.  It is both my strengths and weakness that he is showing me and reminding me that he has a plan and a way out for me.  As I read the above scriptures I know that he wants me to turn to him, yet I keep getting sucked back into the habits and rituals of the eating disorder.  I use my dads death as an excuse.  I get to flirt with the eating disorder again because I am grieving.  God is coming to rescue me and I turn away.  This weekend was just like the last.  I ate well on Friday night and though my desire to purge was pulling at me and calling me like a siren's song, I stopped and tried to focus on God and his promise that he will lead me out of this darkness.  I hear him whisper in my ear that I will be okay.  I wake on the Saturdays and I am okay.  It is just as he has promised.  I am rested I am strong.  I run for miles soaking in warm sun, followed by a gentle cooling breeze.  "You are doing it'' I hear him say. " You are growing stronger from the inside out."

Yet it is in those moments of growing and strength that I panic.  Who am I without the disorder.  It is as if I wear eating disorder as who I am. Then I falter.  Then I purge.   Recently I have  fallen back into the rituals that accompanied me for the past two years.  I think that some of it rises out of comfort, and some of it out of needing take some sort of inventory of body since I have agreed to stay off the scale.  So, I only get to know my weight every 2 weeks when I meet with my nutritionist.

I find I am beginning some days now with the same anorexic rituals that I retrieved from my adolescents two years ago.  As I wake to the strum and vibration of my cell phone, I begin to take inventory of my body.  It as if I think that in the  darkness of the night I have morphed into the fat ugly body that I fear.

I curl tightly into a ball, like an infant curling into it's familiar fetal position, and slowly run my hands along my legs as they unfurl.  I check to feel for the muscles and bones just under the surface of my skin unobstructed by some potential new layer of fat.  Are the veins that that scared me, yet somehow mesmerized me still protruding?  Are they still palpable?  I point and flex my toes causing calves to grow taut, and I feel for the firm ball of tissue as it contracts and relaxes under my fingers.  I need to know they can be felt and seen,

I stretch out supine under the weight of the covers.  My hands wander the length of my thighs as I feel for the 4 definite muscles that form my quads.  Can I feel each one, or have my legs become a glob of fat and other useless tissue? I feel for the line of definition along the side of my thighs, and then confirm the existence of my "dancer's hollow"  I let out the breath I had been holding.

My hands wander up over my hipbones fearing they will no longer rise above by belly, but they do.
I let out another breath that sounds more like a sigh of relief  as I realize my belly sinks leaving a space between the waistband of my pajama bottoms and the surface of my skin.  How much longer until the two will meet?  Should they meet? Will they meet if I gain the 5-6 pounds that would please everyone, but possibly me. They have never met before  even when I was 10 pounds heavier than I am now.

The assessment continues.  I palpate my body like I would a patient in the squad, but instead of looking for injuries, I am checking for flaws.  I need to feel the segments of my rectus I draw my finger around each segment hoping there is no new layer of sub-cutaneous fat.  Then I run my finger along the mid-line of the rectus until it lands on the ridge of the vertical internal scar from my hysterectomy.  I have felt the emotional scar of the procedure for years, but it is only now that I feel the physical scar.  So, now it is because of my weight and the eating disorder that physical and emotional scars are revealed

Next I feel for my ribs through my back and even through my breasts, noting the scar from the biopsy a year ago.  I think for a moment, maybe cancer would be easier than this.  The treatment either works or it doesn't.  There is a beginning  and an end.

I run my hands down one arm then the other, stopping along the way, and finally wrapping one hand around each wrist insuring my fingers still touch each-other as they encircle the bones.  I turn to my right and then to my left seeing if my belly still looks flat and intact.  And slowly get out of bed.

I know this seems like a long drawn out process, but like the eating disorder itself, it is hardwired somewhere in my brain.  I can process how my body feels, as fast as you can google eating disorders on your high speed internet.

I then go to get dressed and stand in front of the mirror as I shower and dry off for the day.  I allow my eyes to yes, survey my body, but then I allow my eyes to wander to my face.  I hear God speaking to me "Liz there is a beautiful face attached to that body.  Look her in the eyes.  Who do you see? No don't turn away in shame.  Look carefully you are not just a body, you are my daughter and I delight in you.  I delight in your transparency, your tenacity, your sensitivity, how you love me, you step away, but you love me and you keep coming back to curl up on my lap listening to me intently seeking my heart and seeking to know me.  These are just a few of the qualities that make you who you are, and remember that each time you falter and are broken, I am collecting the pieces and just wait until you see the beautiful stained glass mosaic I am creating.  It will leave you speechless!"