Strength and Redemption

Lamentations 3:58 "You Lord took up my case and redeemed my life"

Romans 8:26-27 " In the same way the Spirit helps in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for,but the spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words can't express.  And the father who knows all hearts knows what the spirt is saying, for the spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will"

I know that it is not God's will for me to be sick, yet there is something in me that feels like I need to stay here on the fringe of sick and well.  A part of me that believes that I am nothing without the eating disorder, that there is somehow strength in my frailty and small frame.  This is the last part of of the illness I fight to hold onto, or let go of and give to God.  I have allowed my mind to grow, my emotions to felt and revealed, and my spirit to be filled by the Holy Spirit, but this I hold back. I am reassured that He is indeed strength in my weakness, and He intercedes for me when I have know idea how to pray or what to pray.  By praying in the spirit he bears witness to my soul and reveals himself to me.

My body still rebels, at times, as I continue to eat by faith even when I am not hungry or when my gut is hurting.  I still keep myself small enough, but I am so much stronger physically than I was two years or even a year ago.  It is interesting how this time around I am not obsessed with counting calories, diets, or thinking about food all the time.  I am just not hungry or aware of my hunger(most the time).  It is as though the anorexia was hard wired into my brain many years ago and once I decided to tap into that line I didn't have to work at the eating disorder.  The energy flowed effortlessly  out of that wire flooding my mind body and spirit to enable me to literally fadeaway with out even thinking about it.

So now, in order to maintain the ground I have gained I must think about it and eat by faith.  I have done two triathlons in the past few weeks.  I placed in both of them as my physical strength begins to return.  It is a fine line I walk being strong enough to compete, but small enough to.....I am not sure. I am also aware that it is a fine line I walk between training out of passion for the sport and compulsion to stay small. I have been there before allowing the eating disorder to sabotage my high school swimming career.  I loved the sport and was competitive, but over a short period of time my passion became my compulsion.  I  used the swimming to feed the eating disorder while I wasn't feeding myself.  As I faded away my compulsion grew and the passion for the sport slipped away.  I was no longer able to keep up with the team and my coach had to let me go  I love competing in these triathlons. God is my strength in my weakness and trusting in this, I eat by faith not wanting the eating disorder to sabotage my passion or my life.

I falter time and time again as I do eat by faith, and ignore His still small voice and purge what I take in. Yet it is fewer times, and not as often.  It is also less of what I take in.  Meaning that it isn't the
whole meal, but just enough to remind myself that I could if I wanted to and little enough to tell the
Eating Disorder that I really am in charge. It can have less and less of me and I can have more food and more of me in mind, spirit, and eventually physically.  I feel some remorse, and guilt when I do this; however I don't allow myself to go into self-loathing any more.  Even as I pretend I don't hear His voice telling me "stop undoing what I am trying to do" He groans for me he redeems me, He loves me.  The condemnation isn't from God.  He wants to scoop me up and put me back on track.  Satan, however, would prefer to see me walk down the path of powerlessness and self-loathing.

Growth!  It is hard for me to measure my growth in overtaking this illness because the only tangible measurement of my growth, my weight, falls below the bar that has been set for me.  The intangibles of emotional and spiritual growth are difficult for me to measure and see. I have set my own bar so high and it is constantly in flux.  I must turn to others to point out my growth.  I turn to those that I have entrusted with my pain, my struggles, and my truth which at times is very ugly and disturbing. It is humbling and scary to not see yourself clearly physically, but even more terrifying to not see yourself at all from the inside out.  So I turn to those I have entrusted with all of me to show me how I have grown.  Little by little I see the growth that they see in me, and I almost believe it.

So for now I am trying to be content with the growth that isn't actually measurable by a scale; growth that is coming from the inside out, and that someone greater than I could ever imagine is pulling for me and interceding for me with groans I can't begin to comprehend.