Burdens

Burdens

Ecclesiastes 3:10-13  “I have seen the burden God has placed on us all.  11 Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time.  He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so. People cannot see the scope of God’s work from beginning to end.  12 So I conclude there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can.  13 And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.

I have grown weary and tired of bearing the burden of the eating disorder.  It steals my mental and physical energy from things that are much more productive and joyful.  It is in my prayer and study time that God speaks to me through his word and through my writing.  I somehow feel the scripture he leads me to addresses both my burden of the eating disorder as well as my desire to feel joy, true joy in my life once again.  I find it so intriguing how many times God uses food, thirst or taste to demonstrate his love. 

He also seems to have a clear message for me as I run on a cold, but beautiful sun drenched day.   I almost audibly hear “two weeks” and I see it before as though looking at a calendar.  What the heck does this mean?  I am pretty sure that God is asking something of me, but I don’t get it until I begin to write and the words flow from pen to paper.   “Your transformation isn’t by your power Liz, it is by My power that the way you think will be transformed.  I will transform the way you think about your weight and your body.  Begin by staying off the scale for two weeks.  Two weeks, that is all I am asking for now.  I do love you, but I need you to trust me.  I am not into punishing you for not trusting me, but you will receive so much more if you do.”  Ok, I get it now, but I am not sure I like it. 

A sense of panic came over me as I basically weighed my self on three different scales within a day or two.  My weight is all over the place.  This even includes my doctor’s scale with clothes on.  Which one is right?  How do I know?  Maybe I should get on all three in one day to figure out which is right?  It is in this moment that I realize how much of my time I give to the eating disorder, time that I could give to God or relationships.  As it consumes my thoughts it takes me out of the moments with my family, friends, and God.  So, two weeks I will stay off the scale, and just like the purging, weighing in isn’t an option. (For two weeks)

Recovery is such a fucking tedious process.  Yet, it is the details that I let go of one at a time that I will find freedom once again. Surrendering by faith that God’s plan may just be better than mine.  It actually feels safer loosening my clenched fist I have wrapped around the eating disorder one finger at a time than just opening my hand and handing it over. I get the sense that God is okay with this, and there is a reason it is a slow healing instead of the sudden healing I desire.   This is especially true right now when I have the uncertainty of Brad and Kelsey’s starting a life of their own unsettling my heart, as well as Mitchell's future plans and discussing how I want to celebrate my 50^th birthday with my twin, or on my own. All beautiful and positive changes, but changes for my life non the less.

A sandwich?  It is just a sandwich, but to me it must mean so much more.  Why can’t I eat or finish a whole sandwich?  I can eat a banana after part of the sandwich, or even a small treat like a square of chocolate, but not the whole damned sandwich.  My therapist suggests it is because of the parts of my life that are out of my control right now. Like the baby, my relationships[s with my siblings, turning fifty, and wondering if I should keep working or not.   I think it is possibly a remnant of fuck you to my mom forcing me to be a member of the clean plate club even if I was full or just not fond of the food before me.  Actually, other than fruits and veggies, since I have been on my own I never finish off any food.  Even if I plan (which I seldom plan it) to purge I still don’t clean my plate.  A sandwich used to be one of those things that I could eat in its entirety. Now it feels like climbing Mt, Everest.  Like I can make it almost to the summit, but settle for just looking at the peak.

I continue to try to process what this means.  Is it my fuck you, my fear of letting go and letting God?  Could it just be my new normal?  I have no clue and am tired of wasting time on it.  I decide it may mean nothing at all, and try to think about anything that doesn’t relate to my weight and food.

Even though I battle the desire to remain small every day, I am still staying a head of the eating disorder by not dropping wait.  It is the small battles won that in the end wins the war.  Letting it go by opening one finger at a time I trust that God will transform my heart and how I see my body as well as the fear of the weight just as he has done with the purging.  My desire to purge has drastically decreased.  I am grateful for this.  And just like he has changed my desire to purge over time, I trust he will do the same with the remaining symptoms.

“I am tired of being patient in affliction.”  I find myself saying this daily, but it appears to be my only choice.  I am tired of the eating disorder.  I am simply tired.  I worked a long day and wanted nothing more than to go home and rest, but felt compelled to haul my butt to the pool and get my planned 2,000 meters in.  I was going out to dinner and knew this was a better option than risking a purge.  Do I wish I could take a break to honor my physical fatigue?  Yes, I wish I could do this, but the mental gymnastics I put myself through doesn’t seem worth it.

I share all of this with my therapist and how I am tired of it sucking away so much of my time.  Somehow this appears to be a huge step.  I am not sure if the amount of time I spend on it has increased, or if I am finally recognizing how much time I have wasted on wasting away.