John 14:27 (NLT) "Do not be troubled or afraid" Easier said than done! Today I am afraid of the weight that I have put on. It feels as though it is coming on way too quickly and like I have lost control. So, although God promises that we need not be troubled or afraid, I am more than afraid. I am terrified. I am uncomfortable. I fear that my body will betray me and just become fat ugly and disgusting.
Today I was surprised to see that my weight was the same or even up a couple ounces since I ran 9 miles yesterday. I eat according to my meal plan but don't really compensate for the calories expended. See it just proves that my body has taken on a mind of its own. Oh why didn't I leave well enough alone? At least I knew what my body was doing a year ago. Now I have no idea of how it will respond to refueling. I hope that the weight is muscle and not fat. I have my body fat measured this week. Will that reassure me that I am not just fat? Will it confirm my greatest fear that I am losing control of the only thing that was under my power?
I have packed my size 1 jeans in my gym bag. The ones I bought to get me through my loss, but now they are, well they are fitting. I miss the way the hung on my frame only weeks ago. I feel the fabric hug my thighs, although they still fit easily around my waist. I am sure it is a matter of days before I won't wear them at all. That was the plan. I would wear them just until I regained the weight, my health and myself. Now I feel like getting rid of them is getting rid of a part of me. I don't know if I am ready to part with them.
Although my body seems foreign to me, I feel more like my old self even though I am definitely distracted by the discomfort of the weight. I am stronger and no longer shake from the inside out. I seem to be sleeping better. My mind seems clearer and actually attached to my body, but still I am afraid and troubled. I pray for peace; that He will not give me more than I can bare. Continuing to nourish my body is a huge leap of faith.
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