Romans 5:8 " But God demonstrates his own great love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
The second question that I continue to wrestle with is " God what in the world do you want from me? What can I do to end this suffering?" Basically I am asking " God what can I do to earn your favor and have you heal me?" So there it is in His word in black and white. " Nothing " He doesn't want anything from me other than to love him, and most importantly, let him love me just as I am.
So often I come to my father with the painful memories etched in my mind of coming to my mother. I see him as disappointed in me. Waiting for me to screw up so that he can punish me again and again and again. I forget that unlike my mother God is slow to anger. Psalm 86:15 " But you, Lord are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." ( NIV ) I see myself crying out to him as I silently cried out to my mother " Please mom, I tried to do it right and you are still angry. Just tell me what to do and I will do it. Just stop hurting me. Am I really that bad? I want to please you, really I do, but I keep falling short, and the bar keeps moving. Mom can't you see I am just a little girl trying to earn your love. Oh, what have I done to anger you so?"
This is how I often approach God my father. I fall to my knees in anguish crying out " God I can't do this anymore. Tell me, tell me what you want from me. I will do anything to make this pain subside if you can just tell me what to do." I even beg him to take me home as I am out of strength and my faith is fading. I become the same scared depleted little girl that cowered in my mother's presence; working and striving everyday to figure her out or at least avoid her wrath. If I can just figure out the rules, then not only will I avoid the verbal and physical bashing, but maybe, just maybe, she will also love me.
God, my father reminds me with his word that it isn't by my works or effort that he loves me. He knows I am imperfect and that I love him. That is all he asks of me....To Love him and trust him.
I was bought at a price on the cross. He loved me enough to die for me. My intellect knows this, but my heart and soul often shies away from his great love out of fear. My view of love is tarnished. For me love means a lot of work for little, if any gain, but a lot of pain. Today I focus on his great love. Ephesians 2:4-5 " But because of his great love for us, God who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you (I) have been saved. So, there it is again. He loves me and today his grace is sufficient.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Justified
Romans 5:1 ( I have been justified ) NIV 1984
" Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ "
Oh how long the past two weeks have been. I should be relaxed and peaceful gazing at his creation. this is northern Michigan, God's country. Yet it has been marred by a well spring of anxiety, pain, and suffering. Some of the pain is physical, but most of it is emotional. The truth is that even the physical pain and suffering originates from my spirit; a spirit that has been broken. So the anxiety presents itself with twitching muscles, and massive headaches.
Where as many with eating disorders are out of touch with their bodies and its physical sensations of hunger, cold, pain, etc., I am hyper-vigillant and aware of by body. I notice every twitch, every rumble of my gut, every heart beat, and every breath I take. This in and of its self is emotionally and physically exhausting. Couple that with my suppression of any physical, or emotional pain that tries to make itself known, I am tired and out of strength. Yet, somehow I manage to eat and keep it in. I just want to surpass that one month marker of not purging. I have done it and this causes me to feel just a twinge of hope and pride.
God has used this time to once again wrestle with my relationship with him and two questions. The first is pretty universal. "Why me?" The second, comes from that little girl inside of me that still sees God as a reflection of my mom. "God, what do you want from me? I will do anything to please you to earn your love. Please oh please, I beg you, just tell me what you want from me!"
I find it somewhat easy to answer the first question. "Why not me." We live in a fallen world. There is illness, accidents, and trials that God allows us all to go through. He never promised us a life without suffering, because it is through suffering that I believe he makes his presence known; that we are brought to our knees to rely on him. Psalm 46:1 (NIV) God is our refuge and strength, an ever- present help in trouble" If only I had turned to him instead of the eating disorder to rescue me from my mother's demands, criticism, and anger. If only I had trusted him to carry the burdens I was never meant to carry, if only I had remembered my body is his temple, if only I had remembered Philippians 4:13 (NLT) "For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength", if only......But, I became fearful and impatient, and turned to myself instead of God; my Jehovah. The name for God that means he is interested in me on a very intimate and personal level, and desires to set me free. Jehovah never tires of picking me up and dusting me off that I amy try again. Just as I never tire of listening to my children and helping them through difficulties, Jehovah never tires of me coming to him and crying Abba (Daddy) this is too big for me. Will you carry it please.
So it is now that I am paying the consequences of my actions? I am a little frustrated that now, after months of eating well and purging only a few times, as opposed to a few times a day, here I am suffering from muscle twitches and headaches, etc. I suppose it is my body telling me it is still stressed. Maybe it is the low weight, the low body fat, or the high activity level? I have hovered around the same weight and body fat for the last 8-10 weeks. There is something that keeps me here, but I honestly don't have to fight very hard to stay here. I keep asking, "What if this is my new normal?'' Yet my nutritionist and therapist continue to warn me that it is just not optimal for my physical or emotional health. So, that is why I press on to do the things that ask of me, not just because I have faith in them, but because I have faith in my Jehovah. The God that I ask to speak through them, to guide their hearts and words for me. The God that I ask to be the third person in the room. If I trust Him, than I have to trust those he has entrusted me to. So, I press even as I wonder what is physiologically based versus what is psychologically based because it really is all from my broken spirit.
" Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ "
Oh how long the past two weeks have been. I should be relaxed and peaceful gazing at his creation. this is northern Michigan, God's country. Yet it has been marred by a well spring of anxiety, pain, and suffering. Some of the pain is physical, but most of it is emotional. The truth is that even the physical pain and suffering originates from my spirit; a spirit that has been broken. So the anxiety presents itself with twitching muscles, and massive headaches.
Where as many with eating disorders are out of touch with their bodies and its physical sensations of hunger, cold, pain, etc., I am hyper-vigillant and aware of by body. I notice every twitch, every rumble of my gut, every heart beat, and every breath I take. This in and of its self is emotionally and physically exhausting. Couple that with my suppression of any physical, or emotional pain that tries to make itself known, I am tired and out of strength. Yet, somehow I manage to eat and keep it in. I just want to surpass that one month marker of not purging. I have done it and this causes me to feel just a twinge of hope and pride.
God has used this time to once again wrestle with my relationship with him and two questions. The first is pretty universal. "Why me?" The second, comes from that little girl inside of me that still sees God as a reflection of my mom. "God, what do you want from me? I will do anything to please you to earn your love. Please oh please, I beg you, just tell me what you want from me!"
I find it somewhat easy to answer the first question. "Why not me." We live in a fallen world. There is illness, accidents, and trials that God allows us all to go through. He never promised us a life without suffering, because it is through suffering that I believe he makes his presence known; that we are brought to our knees to rely on him. Psalm 46:1 (NIV) God is our refuge and strength, an ever- present help in trouble" If only I had turned to him instead of the eating disorder to rescue me from my mother's demands, criticism, and anger. If only I had trusted him to carry the burdens I was never meant to carry, if only I had remembered my body is his temple, if only I had remembered Philippians 4:13 (NLT) "For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength", if only......But, I became fearful and impatient, and turned to myself instead of God; my Jehovah. The name for God that means he is interested in me on a very intimate and personal level, and desires to set me free. Jehovah never tires of picking me up and dusting me off that I amy try again. Just as I never tire of listening to my children and helping them through difficulties, Jehovah never tires of me coming to him and crying Abba (Daddy) this is too big for me. Will you carry it please.
So it is now that I am paying the consequences of my actions? I am a little frustrated that now, after months of eating well and purging only a few times, as opposed to a few times a day, here I am suffering from muscle twitches and headaches, etc. I suppose it is my body telling me it is still stressed. Maybe it is the low weight, the low body fat, or the high activity level? I have hovered around the same weight and body fat for the last 8-10 weeks. There is something that keeps me here, but I honestly don't have to fight very hard to stay here. I keep asking, "What if this is my new normal?'' Yet my nutritionist and therapist continue to warn me that it is just not optimal for my physical or emotional health. So, that is why I press on to do the things that ask of me, not just because I have faith in them, but because I have faith in my Jehovah. The God that I ask to speak through them, to guide their hearts and words for me. The God that I ask to be the third person in the room. If I trust Him, than I have to trust those he has entrusted me to. So, I press even as I wonder what is physiologically based versus what is psychologically based because it really is all from my broken spirit.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Anxiety
Philippians 4:6 " Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."(NIV 84)
1Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" ( NIV 84 )
Psalm 55:22 "Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the the godly to slip and fall" (NLT)
There are times when I find it hard to maintain my faith in all that God has promised. "He will not let the godly slip and fall" So, God you will instead allow me to slip and fight with all the strength I can find just to stay upright. After 2 weeks of watching Olympics coverage, I compare myself to a gymnast on the beam. I am spinning, flipping, and in the end I am standing, bobbling on one leg, while I should be on two. I am Hanging on by the tips of my toes, flailing my arms in the air trying to not fall, and while falling is painful, there is a certain amount of pain the body and mind endures just to hang on. I remember the commentary on one poor girl. "Oh my that was just awful, she didn't even try to hold on. She just gave up!" God must be somewhere in this balancing act with me because truly I feel like that poor young girl. I just want to give up. It would be easier to fall.
I have a lot of anxiety. Some I am aware of and some not so much. It is that anxiety that holds me in the grasp of the Eating Disorder, causes the bizarre Burning Mouth Syndrome ( google it ), and now apparently the twitching of my eye for three weeks. Now for most people this eye thing is just a casual nuisance, for me it is the new thorn in my side. One more thing I have to fight. I wonder if it is ever going away, and how my friends that have experienced it didn't gouge their eyes out? I immediately jump to fear. Fear that I am weak of character, that God is testing me, punishing me, or worst yet, like my parents abandoning me. That somehow peace and contentment is meant for others and not for me. Should I have to always work this hard just to feel normal. And what the fuck is normal anyways. See there I go swearing. Ugh just another sin in my life. Sorry Jesus! Forgive me.
Oh and while I am on sin. I whole heartedly confess that I am a sinner and I need my Savior, but I also need a break. Oh and by a break Lord, I mean some peace and relief, not to be broken. I am already in a place of brokenness. Isn't that where you want me; dependent on you? Take my anxieties because you care for me. As I bring my requests to you in prayer, if you aren't willing to calm this storm, calm me your little girl. I am thankful that I can come to you and grateful that you gave it all for me on the cross. I am thankful for my blessings. Some that are apparent and some that are disguised by struggle and pain. Abba Father ( Amen ).
1Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" ( NIV 84 )
Psalm 55:22 "Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the the godly to slip and fall" (NLT)
There are times when I find it hard to maintain my faith in all that God has promised. "He will not let the godly slip and fall" So, God you will instead allow me to slip and fight with all the strength I can find just to stay upright. After 2 weeks of watching Olympics coverage, I compare myself to a gymnast on the beam. I am spinning, flipping, and in the end I am standing, bobbling on one leg, while I should be on two. I am Hanging on by the tips of my toes, flailing my arms in the air trying to not fall, and while falling is painful, there is a certain amount of pain the body and mind endures just to hang on. I remember the commentary on one poor girl. "Oh my that was just awful, she didn't even try to hold on. She just gave up!" God must be somewhere in this balancing act with me because truly I feel like that poor young girl. I just want to give up. It would be easier to fall.
I have a lot of anxiety. Some I am aware of and some not so much. It is that anxiety that holds me in the grasp of the Eating Disorder, causes the bizarre Burning Mouth Syndrome ( google it ), and now apparently the twitching of my eye for three weeks. Now for most people this eye thing is just a casual nuisance, for me it is the new thorn in my side. One more thing I have to fight. I wonder if it is ever going away, and how my friends that have experienced it didn't gouge their eyes out? I immediately jump to fear. Fear that I am weak of character, that God is testing me, punishing me, or worst yet, like my parents abandoning me. That somehow peace and contentment is meant for others and not for me. Should I have to always work this hard just to feel normal. And what the fuck is normal anyways. See there I go swearing. Ugh just another sin in my life. Sorry Jesus! Forgive me.
Oh and while I am on sin. I whole heartedly confess that I am a sinner and I need my Savior, but I also need a break. Oh and by a break Lord, I mean some peace and relief, not to be broken. I am already in a place of brokenness. Isn't that where you want me; dependent on you? Take my anxieties because you care for me. As I bring my requests to you in prayer, if you aren't willing to calm this storm, calm me your little girl. I am thankful that I can come to you and grateful that you gave it all for me on the cross. I am thankful for my blessings. Some that are apparent and some that are disguised by struggle and pain. Abba Father ( Amen ).
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Battling the Giant
Psalm 27:9 (NLT) "Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes wait patiently for the Lord.
I was asked describe my self in one word at one time and my answer was resilient. ( recovering readily from adversity ). Yet, I no longer feel resilient as I have not recovered readily from the eating disorder that I have allowed to afflict me for the past year. Today, one word to describe me? I am a warrior waiting patiently on the Lord. Like a warrior it takes courage beyond belief to fight the battle. It also takes the full armor of God. Mine is not a battle of slings and arrows, but one of fighting the eating disorder day after day. It is a formidable foe that never ceases to come after me. I am grateful that I have the Lord on my side and it is through his strength that I don't just give up in total surrender to the enemy. It is his armor that protects me from mortal harm.
It is hard to wait and it is hard to be brave. It is also hard for those around me to wait and be patient as I fight this battle. People mean well, but really have no true understanding of just how entrenched, and tangled the eating disorder is in my life. Oh how I wish I could be fixed by, just eating, stop purging, decrease my exercise, get a job to take my mind off it, love myself, like my self, see myself, remember all that is good, be grateful for all my blessings, and the list can go on and on..... I have been there, done that, yet, I am still here in the midst of the battle. I spend each day trying to climb out of the trench and untangle the threads of the eating disorder. It is a tedious process like trying to untie a stubborn knot fine golden chains.
So, I am a warrior waiting patiently on the Lord to lead me through this battle. I often feel like David must have felt like when he faced Goliath with just a stone and a sling shot; scared to death, like God has picked the wrong one to fight this battle because I would just as soon die at the enemies hands some days then face it. I am weak, weary, and the enemy is way to big for me to slay. I believe that God has me right where he wants me; dependent on him. I am just like David. I am seeking God to be the strength I lack. I am trusting that he will lead me through the battle. Although, I am sure God has not called me to the greatness of leading his kingdom, I think he will use me to do great things in his kingdom.
I find hope in the story of David. I call on the Lord to be my strength today as I struggle to be still and rest on this the sabbath. It is hard for me to be still, and even harder to be still and fuel my body. It is a metaphor for my life. I have to earn my food just as I feel like I must earn love, acceptance and nurturing. Today I am like David dependent on the Lord to lead me through the battle. He has faith in me to slay the giant and like David he has chosen me to fight the battle not because I am unworthy,or disposable, but because he loves me. His strength is enough and I am worthy of it!
I was asked describe my self in one word at one time and my answer was resilient. ( recovering readily from adversity ). Yet, I no longer feel resilient as I have not recovered readily from the eating disorder that I have allowed to afflict me for the past year. Today, one word to describe me? I am a warrior waiting patiently on the Lord. Like a warrior it takes courage beyond belief to fight the battle. It also takes the full armor of God. Mine is not a battle of slings and arrows, but one of fighting the eating disorder day after day. It is a formidable foe that never ceases to come after me. I am grateful that I have the Lord on my side and it is through his strength that I don't just give up in total surrender to the enemy. It is his armor that protects me from mortal harm.
It is hard to wait and it is hard to be brave. It is also hard for those around me to wait and be patient as I fight this battle. People mean well, but really have no true understanding of just how entrenched, and tangled the eating disorder is in my life. Oh how I wish I could be fixed by, just eating, stop purging, decrease my exercise, get a job to take my mind off it, love myself, like my self, see myself, remember all that is good, be grateful for all my blessings, and the list can go on and on..... I have been there, done that, yet, I am still here in the midst of the battle. I spend each day trying to climb out of the trench and untangle the threads of the eating disorder. It is a tedious process like trying to untie a stubborn knot fine golden chains.
So, I am a warrior waiting patiently on the Lord to lead me through this battle. I often feel like David must have felt like when he faced Goliath with just a stone and a sling shot; scared to death, like God has picked the wrong one to fight this battle because I would just as soon die at the enemies hands some days then face it. I am weak, weary, and the enemy is way to big for me to slay. I believe that God has me right where he wants me; dependent on him. I am just like David. I am seeking God to be the strength I lack. I am trusting that he will lead me through the battle. Although, I am sure God has not called me to the greatness of leading his kingdom, I think he will use me to do great things in his kingdom.
I find hope in the story of David. I call on the Lord to be my strength today as I struggle to be still and rest on this the sabbath. It is hard for me to be still, and even harder to be still and fuel my body. It is a metaphor for my life. I have to earn my food just as I feel like I must earn love, acceptance and nurturing. Today I am like David dependent on the Lord to lead me through the battle. He has faith in me to slay the giant and like David he has chosen me to fight the battle not because I am unworthy,or disposable, but because he loves me. His strength is enough and I am worthy of it!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Sorrow
Psalm 103: 9-12 " He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. 10 He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. 11 For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height if the heavens above the earth. 12 He has removed our sins as far as the east is from the west. 13 The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. 14 For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust"(NIV)
I love how the Lord reminds me of His unfailing love when I am feeling quite unlovable, and even angry with God. I don't mean a little angry. I mean swearing at him to the point of begging him to just take me home and return me to the dust of which he speaks.
How can I go from faithful and hopeful, to anger and utter despair in less than 24 hours? Then I remember I have someone else battling for my soul. That Satan is a living powerful force trying to pull me away from my father. Thursday through, well most the weekend, he had me just where he wanted me. After a day of giving my body the rest it so desperately needed and nourishing it, I purge the next nights dinner. I find myself believing that I can't do this. I can't beat this eating disorder and that God is somehow toying with me. I can't get a break from the eating, twitching of my eye, and the tension headache that is now pounding more like a migraine. None of which seems like they will ever subside. Then there is the fear that my drop back in weight and metabolism his ruined any progress I have made in the past weeks. I am so discouraged! I cry out for God to stop screwing with me, I can't take this anymore. I am tired beyond tired of working, and fighting this battle. I am tired of me, of being me. I just want out!!! I want some respite. No, I need some respite. My husband tries to console me, but I am at the point of inconsolable. I hate myself for putting him through the melt down. I am ashamed of the fear I have caused to flash in his eyes.
I just wish anyone could understand for just a moment what it is like to live inside my mind and body; to understand the fight the prayerful effort each day entails. As I watch the Olympics, I think, shit! with all the work I am doing I should be dripping in medals. Some days, as much as I try to remember that God promises I won't be given more than I can handle, I feel like I am bending to the point of breaking. Friday was one of those days. I was broken physically, emotionally and spiritually! The only thing that pulls me back together is knowing that I am going to my future daughter-in-law's to spend time with her aunts, friends, and my sister and Donna.
Then when I tell Donna how I am feeling done, she reminds me of what the future holds in my son's marriage and the "G " word. We aren't allowed to say grandchildren it freaks my husband out, so we all play around it! I do go and manage to keep it together, enjoy myself, and eat without purging. I try to just soak up how much my niece and Kels love me. Although I still wonder how anyone can love me today when I feel and behaved so unlovable.
I wake flooded with fear, sorrow, and anxiety. I am wide awake, but pretend to be sleeping until I hear my husband leave. I don't have it in me to face him and pretend I am fine, and I don't have the heart to let him see all the fear, sorrow and anxiety I am carrying. I just want to be alone. Still feeling like I could crawl out of my skin with my head and heart pounding, I hit the road for a long run. I use every once of emotion I have bottled up inside of me to propel me forward. I tackle the roads, the trails, and the hill with a vengeance. Am I truly punishing myself with the aggression of the run? Or is it releasing all the anxiety that has settled in? Am I running away from myself? Am I running to find myself? Am I running simply to off set some of the dinner I am going to have to eat out with old friends. It is a beautiful coolish day. I just keep running and running, feeling a little like Forest Gump. Searching for answers from God and from myself as I really just hope to find a little peace.
I come so close to canceling our plans for dinner. I still just wanted to be left alone and frankly was terrified I would need to purge the dinner anyways. I somehow mange to gather the emotional strength to meet our friends for dinner. It ends up a safe enjoyable evening. I think because of the intensity of my run i am able to justify keeping my food in.
Sunday I am church and I don't even realize I am crying until I feel the tears spilling over onto my open hands that rest longingly at my chest to feel Jesus spirit falling into them. I am so sorrowful of my anger towards God. I am overwhelmed as I listen to the words and try to choke them out in song. "Well, everyone needs compassion, A love that's never failing, let mercy fall on me, Well, everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a Saviour, the hope of nations''
So take me as you find me, all my fears and failure, fill my life again....( Mighty to Save by Hillsong )
He takes me as he finds me, and that means even today as I am ugly, discouraged, worn out, unlovable, unbearable....
I love how the Lord reminds me of His unfailing love when I am feeling quite unlovable, and even angry with God. I don't mean a little angry. I mean swearing at him to the point of begging him to just take me home and return me to the dust of which he speaks.
How can I go from faithful and hopeful, to anger and utter despair in less than 24 hours? Then I remember I have someone else battling for my soul. That Satan is a living powerful force trying to pull me away from my father. Thursday through, well most the weekend, he had me just where he wanted me. After a day of giving my body the rest it so desperately needed and nourishing it, I purge the next nights dinner. I find myself believing that I can't do this. I can't beat this eating disorder and that God is somehow toying with me. I can't get a break from the eating, twitching of my eye, and the tension headache that is now pounding more like a migraine. None of which seems like they will ever subside. Then there is the fear that my drop back in weight and metabolism his ruined any progress I have made in the past weeks. I am so discouraged! I cry out for God to stop screwing with me, I can't take this anymore. I am tired beyond tired of working, and fighting this battle. I am tired of me, of being me. I just want out!!! I want some respite. No, I need some respite. My husband tries to console me, but I am at the point of inconsolable. I hate myself for putting him through the melt down. I am ashamed of the fear I have caused to flash in his eyes.
I just wish anyone could understand for just a moment what it is like to live inside my mind and body; to understand the fight the prayerful effort each day entails. As I watch the Olympics, I think, shit! with all the work I am doing I should be dripping in medals. Some days, as much as I try to remember that God promises I won't be given more than I can handle, I feel like I am bending to the point of breaking. Friday was one of those days. I was broken physically, emotionally and spiritually! The only thing that pulls me back together is knowing that I am going to my future daughter-in-law's to spend time with her aunts, friends, and my sister and Donna.
Then when I tell Donna how I am feeling done, she reminds me of what the future holds in my son's marriage and the "G " word. We aren't allowed to say grandchildren it freaks my husband out, so we all play around it! I do go and manage to keep it together, enjoy myself, and eat without purging. I try to just soak up how much my niece and Kels love me. Although I still wonder how anyone can love me today when I feel and behaved so unlovable.
I wake flooded with fear, sorrow, and anxiety. I am wide awake, but pretend to be sleeping until I hear my husband leave. I don't have it in me to face him and pretend I am fine, and I don't have the heart to let him see all the fear, sorrow and anxiety I am carrying. I just want to be alone. Still feeling like I could crawl out of my skin with my head and heart pounding, I hit the road for a long run. I use every once of emotion I have bottled up inside of me to propel me forward. I tackle the roads, the trails, and the hill with a vengeance. Am I truly punishing myself with the aggression of the run? Or is it releasing all the anxiety that has settled in? Am I running away from myself? Am I running to find myself? Am I running simply to off set some of the dinner I am going to have to eat out with old friends. It is a beautiful coolish day. I just keep running and running, feeling a little like Forest Gump. Searching for answers from God and from myself as I really just hope to find a little peace.
I come so close to canceling our plans for dinner. I still just wanted to be left alone and frankly was terrified I would need to purge the dinner anyways. I somehow mange to gather the emotional strength to meet our friends for dinner. It ends up a safe enjoyable evening. I think because of the intensity of my run i am able to justify keeping my food in.
Sunday I am church and I don't even realize I am crying until I feel the tears spilling over onto my open hands that rest longingly at my chest to feel Jesus spirit falling into them. I am so sorrowful of my anger towards God. I am overwhelmed as I listen to the words and try to choke them out in song. "Well, everyone needs compassion, A love that's never failing, let mercy fall on me, Well, everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a Saviour, the hope of nations''
So take me as you find me, all my fears and failure, fill my life again....( Mighty to Save by Hillsong )
He takes me as he finds me, and that means even today as I am ugly, discouraged, worn out, unlovable, unbearable....
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Nothing......
Kate Moss was quoted at one point in her life as saying " Nothing taste as good as skinny feels" I admittedly lived by this mantra as I fell back into the eating disorder last year. Each time I would reach for something, anything, to fill my empty body, I would repeat this myself. I would repeat it over and over again until the shame of eating became stronger then the hunger rising up in my gut. It worked! More often than not I would walk away feeling strong in my resolve to restrict my food and work off what I did eat, but in turn I was weakened by the hunger radiating through my body, and eventually my soul.
I felt myself drifting back into this mantra briefly today as my body ran out of steam and I hit "THE WALL" I am so tired physically. I have literally exercised hard every day for the past 33 days. And I wonder why my weight is back down and I am encroaching on my own muscles once again for fuel, my eye is twitching and the tension that once settled just into my shoulders has worked its way through my neck and into my head? I promise myself that today I am just doing an easy yoga class, then I am resting. Oh yeah, I can do this, but can I do this and eat? I mean eat according to my meal plan from the nutritionist? Eat normally in front of my mother-in-law at lunch? She is a tough one for me to eat around as she has never even acknowledged that my body had drastically changed back into the anorexic woman she saw enter in patient 20 years ago. Such typical anorexic thinking. Somehow me not eating lunch will cause her to take notice of me and my suffering. Yet, I find my self, even with out the strenuous exercise hungry. Frankly, I am a little irritated that my hunger pokes at me , not like a child trying to get her mother's attention, but like a battering ram powered by hydraulics. I try the mantra that carried me through the past year. "nothing taste as good as skinny feels, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. nothing tastes.....nothing."
Then it hits me by tasting nothing, I had allowed myself to become nothing. And then, by the grace of Jesus Christ, I remembered what skinny felt like. Initially it felt comforting, soothing, powerful, almost a state of euphoria settled in. I was in control. Then with out warning it twisted and turned on me, forming a knot that hung like a noose waiting to strangle the life out of me. That is what skinny feels like. It feels like a death sentence. It sucks the life out of your body and your soul. I am not sure which it comes for first, but it comes; devouring you when you should be devouring sustenance and gorging yourself one life. The abundant life God desires for you. John 10:10 " The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they might have life and have it abundantly: ( NASB ) ( 1995 )
Skinny doesn't feel good. It is the thief! It may for some distorted reason feel safe, but it is not good. It doesn't feel good to go to sleep each night wondering if you will wake in the morning, so consequently you hardly sleep at all. It doesn't feel any better wondering if your body will give out during the day as you workout to burn the little you have taken in. It doesn't feel good to shake and see blackness as you stand because your blood pressure is so low it can't keep up with your movements, to feel acid burning in your stomach because there is nothing there to digest, to wretch and purge the smallest of meals as your eyes water and small specks of blood leak from their capillaries. It is agonizing to sit with your boney ass in any chair for any length of time without shifting and moving to keep the pressure from forming bruises. It is terrifying to be sent of to a cardiologist for further testing because your heart beats irregularly and at a slow pace. You remember how your bones and veins protrude, and how being hugged sometimes hurts those bones. You remember your son pulling out of a hug remarking how your back feels like skin and bones. Then you wonder how you will explain your slow death march to your children. It doesn't feel good to be treated as a child following someone else's guidelines designed to keep you alive. You feel even smaller than your physical presence. Weighing in, checking off meal plans, baring the ugliest parts of your truth to doctors, a therapist, a nutritionist, your pastor, and the other practitioners you see in search of wellness. Somehow there was less shame in this the first time around. You were young and lacked any cognisant awareness of what you were doing. This time you know, on a base level, what you are doing. And there is a sense of shame and humiliation that you are now turning not to older wiser people for treatment, but your peers. Now you are older. You should be wiser, but......
I allow the memory of what being really skinny really felt like to speak. I Allow it to speak louder than the mantra. I allow myself the permission to take the break my body needs today and to eat. Like a good little girl ( insert sarcasm ) I do just as I am told. I am not just tired, but tired of the fight. As I pray for the strength to let go of my mantra God does answer. Galatians 6:9 " Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up" (NIV)
Being that I am beyond weary, I can only assume He is my strength!
He also answers the question, "what does taste as good as skinny feels" ? Psalm 34:8 " Taste and see that the LORD is good. Oh the joys of those who seek refuge in him!" (NLT).
And to Him goes the glory!
I allow the memory of what being really skinny really felt like to speak. I Allow it to speak louder than the mantra. I allow myself the permission to take the break my body needs today and to eat. Like a good little girl ( insert sarcasm ) I do just as I am told. I am not just tired, but tired of the fight. As I pray for the strength to let go of my mantra God does answer. Galatians 6:9 " Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up" (NIV)
Being that I am beyond weary, I can only assume He is my strength!
He also answers the question, "what does taste as good as skinny feels" ? Psalm 34:8 " Taste and see that the LORD is good. Oh the joys of those who seek refuge in him!" (NLT).
And to Him goes the glory!
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Revolving and Evolving
Philippians 1: 6 " And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Jesus Christ returns"
To Weigh, or not to weigh? That is my question today. I haven't stepped on the scale in 2 weeks, and there is a part of me that has enjoyed freedom from a number. A number that can make or break my day. If it is up I panic that it is coming on too quickly, if it is down I worry I have let the support team around me down. Or, worse, that I have proven to them that I am still on a slippery slope, that I am not as well as I feel. However, there would also be a sense of relief if it were down or at least the same.
Knowing that I face the rest of my life trying to manage this demon is daunting. Sometimes I feel like it might just be easier to give into it than fight it. I want to be well and feel well, but I want to do it on my terms (because that has worked so well for me this past year). I guess that means I want to recover in every way, but the weight. I am home and fall right back into some of the ritualistic behaviors that somehow comfort me, yet annoy me at the same time. Ah, the mirror, the full length mirror. Hello friend, judge, and jury. Let me take a long hard look. Top to toes, front to back, and side to side. Have I gained weight or lost it over the past month? I look a little heavier from this view. No, a little too thin form this angle. I move, I turn, and twist around until I am convinced I look ok for now. What is really twisted and turned around isn't my body as much as my mind. Not only does my body and mind send mixed messages back and forth to each other, my mind receives them as well.
I go out to the gym. I work out, then literally shaking with fear, I step gingerly on the scale. How will I react to this oh so powerful number? I slowly move the weight to the 100 lb starting point and eek the top one down the scale. I am sure I am close to the 120 lb they desire me to be. I drop it down 1lb. then 2 lbs., 3, 4, 5 and 6. Finally the little notch at the end of the scales rests in space. 114 lbs it rest just there. I am not up? I stand there for a moment in disbelief, then relief. Then I look around the locker room hoping no one has watched me in this sacred moment. Then I realize that I shouldn't be relieved, but I am. I freed myself from the shackles holding me to the scale, I ate when I was hungry, I enjoyed just being and not feeling "sick" and I guess I essentially failed. I proved them all right! I didn't gain, or even maintain, I lost. Today I am the exact same weight I was when I came home from Michigan 1 year ago. I wonder if my therapist will look at me and know right away, or ask me? I am curious as to what she sees?
The rest of the world sees me as stronger, fitter, healthier, than when I came home last year. How ironic that the same weight last year caused shock and fear, but today I look great, perfect, lean, strong etc...? Frankly I feel well, strong, and fueled. I fell like myself. Even though am not sure who that is, others recognize me and see me emerging from the anorexic haze. I feel myself emerging from the anorexic haze. I went out with friends tonight and Ally commented on how I have returned, not just from Michigan, but back to myself despite the lack of weight. Maybe I work too hard to define me instead of just allowing myself to be.
Yet, I know I need to define myself beyond the illness. My therapists suggest that as a writing exercise. I want to defer to those who know, or think they know me. Define me. Tell me who I am to you. Then maybe, just maybe, if your definition aligns with who I believe I am then I can trust my self once again to be something other than anorexic. Oh I know I am smart, kind, sensitive, thoughtful, giving, tender, sarcastic, and have acquired a wisdom from all I have been through. I am a warrior, I am a survivor. I am evolving. I am resting on his promise that His work in me isn't finished yet.
To Weigh, or not to weigh? That is my question today. I haven't stepped on the scale in 2 weeks, and there is a part of me that has enjoyed freedom from a number. A number that can make or break my day. If it is up I panic that it is coming on too quickly, if it is down I worry I have let the support team around me down. Or, worse, that I have proven to them that I am still on a slippery slope, that I am not as well as I feel. However, there would also be a sense of relief if it were down or at least the same.
Knowing that I face the rest of my life trying to manage this demon is daunting. Sometimes I feel like it might just be easier to give into it than fight it. I want to be well and feel well, but I want to do it on my terms (because that has worked so well for me this past year). I guess that means I want to recover in every way, but the weight. I am home and fall right back into some of the ritualistic behaviors that somehow comfort me, yet annoy me at the same time. Ah, the mirror, the full length mirror. Hello friend, judge, and jury. Let me take a long hard look. Top to toes, front to back, and side to side. Have I gained weight or lost it over the past month? I look a little heavier from this view. No, a little too thin form this angle. I move, I turn, and twist around until I am convinced I look ok for now. What is really twisted and turned around isn't my body as much as my mind. Not only does my body and mind send mixed messages back and forth to each other, my mind receives them as well.
I go out to the gym. I work out, then literally shaking with fear, I step gingerly on the scale. How will I react to this oh so powerful number? I slowly move the weight to the 100 lb starting point and eek the top one down the scale. I am sure I am close to the 120 lb they desire me to be. I drop it down 1lb. then 2 lbs., 3, 4, 5 and 6. Finally the little notch at the end of the scales rests in space. 114 lbs it rest just there. I am not up? I stand there for a moment in disbelief, then relief. Then I look around the locker room hoping no one has watched me in this sacred moment. Then I realize that I shouldn't be relieved, but I am. I freed myself from the shackles holding me to the scale, I ate when I was hungry, I enjoyed just being and not feeling "sick" and I guess I essentially failed. I proved them all right! I didn't gain, or even maintain, I lost. Today I am the exact same weight I was when I came home from Michigan 1 year ago. I wonder if my therapist will look at me and know right away, or ask me? I am curious as to what she sees?
The rest of the world sees me as stronger, fitter, healthier, than when I came home last year. How ironic that the same weight last year caused shock and fear, but today I look great, perfect, lean, strong etc...? Frankly I feel well, strong, and fueled. I fell like myself. Even though am not sure who that is, others recognize me and see me emerging from the anorexic haze. I feel myself emerging from the anorexic haze. I went out with friends tonight and Ally commented on how I have returned, not just from Michigan, but back to myself despite the lack of weight. Maybe I work too hard to define me instead of just allowing myself to be.
Yet, I know I need to define myself beyond the illness. My therapists suggest that as a writing exercise. I want to defer to those who know, or think they know me. Define me. Tell me who I am to you. Then maybe, just maybe, if your definition aligns with who I believe I am then I can trust my self once again to be something other than anorexic. Oh I know I am smart, kind, sensitive, thoughtful, giving, tender, sarcastic, and have acquired a wisdom from all I have been through. I am a warrior, I am a survivor. I am evolving. I am resting on his promise that His work in me isn't finished yet.
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